That last post was a bummer. It doesn't speak to the wonder that I feel as I walk through my days. It doesn't really reflect my inner climate of faith and hope for the future. It isn't what I really want to focus on. My way of living is unusual to many. I believe in visions of the future and my ability to make things happen by wishing for them.

My husband is a freelance writer. He interviews high profile creators, singers, producers, animators, film makers, and the like. He talks to them about their latest projects and learns how they use cutting edge technology to make their visions a reality that they share with the general public.

Several months ago when I was feeling less solid in my conviction that I can make things happen and felt more aimless than focused in my career and my life path he said something I will never forget. He said that I am like all the ultra successful people that he talks to every day.

I am not a follower, I am a visionary and a leader.

I am an artist.

I reflect the beauty of the world.

I am at a huge cross roads in life now. I am newly married (3 months on December 23rd). I am pregnant (expecting mid-June 2008.) I am finally taking steps to walk away from the bookkeeping business that I started seven years ago, with the intention of doing it only part time so that I could write, sing, and write music.

I'm at this point where I can't help but ask, "What's next." I know - motherhood. But I know that there is something more in my life calling me forward as well. This may be school. It may a new part-time endeavor that I enjoy more than logging numbers, I'm just not sure.

I don't know how to find the answer to this question. I just know that I will figure it out, or I'll start taking steps in one direction to find out if that is in fact what I want.

WHAT I WANT

• I want to help people.
• I want to propagate beauty in the world.
• I want work to be an act of love.
• I want to nurture goodness in the world.
• I want to learn.
• I want to grow.
• I want to travel.
• I want to explore.
• I want to laugh.
• I want to share.

The Good, the Bad & the Ugly

It's almost the end of the year. For many people this means the celebration of holidays: either the spirit of Christmas or observance of the high holy days, Hanukkah. Retailers and charities both hope that people are feeling generous this year. Children are making popcorn strings and gingerbread houses. Martha Stewart is baking cookies to give to people in elaborate packaging.

For a bookkeeper, the end of the year means exactly that: the end of the fiscal year. People are starting to think about taxes. Sole proprietors are asking what they made and what their deductions are so that they can inform tax advisors and allocate enough to their IRAs.

I haven't bought a Christmas gift or lit a candle, but I'm in the spirit - the spirit of taxes.

Today D began asking questions about our tax situation. Being the resident expert, research is my job. I spend most of my time regarding finance working to save people money by allocating expenditures in adventageous ways. I rarely look at tax tables. It's depressing.

If you are in the middle class, defined here as "Married Filing Jointly, with a combined taxable income of $63,700 to $128, 500 in 2007," you will be paying the Fed's $8,772.50 plus 25% of the amount over $63,700. To simplify: if you have two people earning $100K total, they would pay $15,172.50 in federal taxes (after the personal deduction of $10,700.) When I write it in terms of percentages, 15% doesn't seem like *that* much.

I realize that to someone outside California, $100K could sound like a lot of money. In this area, you can't even think of owning a home making that much or more. Condo's are nearly half a million dollars...and that's in Oakland, not San Francisco. Rentals are expensive, even prohibitive as well.

As this baby grows in my belly, we talk about the future and we both want to start building equity by paying a mortgage instead of rent. But even with a large down payment that would clear out D's inheritance and our savings, we'd be paying almost $1,000 more a month to own a small, modest home in a middle-class neighborhood. I say that, and our rent isn't cheap. We could pay a mortgage almost anywhere else in the country for what we pay each month for one bedroom w/o a dishwasher, garbage disposal, laundry, or parking.

So why don't you move? That's a logical question. We talk about it. But we both have family here. And though our drive to own is strong, we feel that it's important for our child to know its family (crazy though they may be.) We are considering a move to Seattle. But we're both complaining about the cold here now. It's been 53F during the day and 33F at night. In Seattle the high is 41F with the same low. We are going to go check it out and see how we do. There are good friends that compel us to consider it more seriously than we might otherwise, but the family consistently pulls our conversation back.

Is it realistic to believe that with a new president that the middle class might be able to start bridging the divide that continues to widen between us and the upper class? How is a new family supposed to buy a house, save for college, save for retirement, eat healthy food, have money for their kids extra-circular activities like sports or music lessons, pay for medical insurance, pay taxes AND have money in the bank? How is a family where one parent loses a job supposed to cope with that loss? These days, one income can be devastating to a family.

All I can do is hope. I'm still hoping that Al Gore will reconsider and lead the way to a bold new future.

Mort AKA Octogenarian, I have updated my blog to make it easier for you to read. I am honored to have you reading and appreciate your comments.

I am wondering if I need two separate blogs at this point. When I began this process, I didn't have a vision for what I was to create here. Now I realize that I have a duel purpose: to document my life as it happens, much in the way that I used to write in my journal and to air my views on current affairs and our political landscape.

I really only have two readers at this point (Thanks for reading Mort. You doubled my readership!) So I don't know if I have the need to write two blogs. Any suggestions? You are both much more experienced in this forum than I.

That said, I will start with the personal and move on from there.

Yesterday, Friday, D and I listened to our baby's heartbeat for the first time. As you can imagine, that was an awesome sound. I can't really explain the feeling of wonder, awe and amazement that papoose's beat-box rhythm inspired in me. It's visceral and as such, hard to pin down and discuss. Let's just go back to my initial description - awesome.

The nurse practitioner warned us as she approached me with the Doppler that we might not be able to hear anything yet. She said I'm in Week 12 as of December 1. So, it was the last day of Week 11 when she was listening. She said that they usually can't hear anything that early.

I'm confused by that as all the literature I read on the subject says that hearing a heartbeat is unlikely in Weeks 9 & 10 but by Week 11 you should have audible confirmation and by Week 12 it is a standard appointment practice to hear the baby's heart.

When she heard the sound she said she was surprised and impressed with the fact that we could hear it. After listening for a minute or so she went on to say that the heartbeat was very strong and that our baby is very healthy.

She seemed authentic in her conviction but the facts don't line up. So I'm left wondering if Kaiser's equipment is sub-standard or if, as D suggested, she was just trying to make us feel good about our baby's progress and health. I suppose it's possible that she's right, in a practical setting that they often don't hear hearts that early. Or maybe the average woman has a larger layer of fat around her belly pre-pregnancy than I did or do. Regardless, I am taking her comments in conjunction with a similar statement from my acupuncturist and am confident that our baby is the epitome of health.

I've been talking to D about reading to the belly. If he reads aloud he wants to go through Harry Potter or Shel Silverstein poetry - something "fun." I've got something more meaty in mind, like the encyclopedia.

When I was in grade school I remember watching a television program with my mom about a family of genius kids. The parents were of average intelligence, maybe slightly above average, but neither was a genius. However, each of their children were prodigies. One was graduating from an Ivy League school (maybe Harvard) when most kids would be graduating from middle school. When the scientists who were reporting on this phenomena gathered the facts, they theorized that this hyper-intelligence related to the parents reading aloud to the fetus in utero.

Ever since then, I've had it in my mind that I would read to my baby before it was born. Though I couldn't begin to theorize why an infant with a brand new brain and no language skills would be able to learn from the parents reading factual information as opposed to just talking to each other about day-to-day life, it wouldn't shock me to learn that reading helps them build the neural net and offers them an advantage when they do start attaching factual strings of information together.

Anyhow, what could it hurt? I certainly wouldn't mind learning what's in the pages of my encyclopedia. Of course, my brain is the opposite of the baby's brain right now. I can't retain much information at all. In fact, I'm acting like an air-head more often than not.

For example, I drove to the doctor's appointment yesterday. D got out of the car and purchased the parking ticket, placed it on the dashboard and locked the car.

Two hours later as we made a left turn out of the parking lot we heard an odd sound. He, smartly, suggested we go back to see what it was. I got out of the car and began to examine the pavement around where we made the turn in question. D looked on the roof. In one hand he held my cell phone, which is wrapped in a silicon non-slip sleeve. In the other hand he had my keys (the noise-making culprit.)

Retracing my steps I realize that when I got out of the car I opened the back door, put on my coat and put the two of my most important personal items on the roof and then promptly walked away. Duh. I need to get a compartmentalized handbag so that it is evident when things go missing. The cavernous purse I tote now is like a magical bag where things disappear even after I've just had them.

I could say that this is an isolated incident and fool myself (and you) into believing that my mistake was caused by an urgency to get to my doctor's appointment on time. But I have evidence that I am suffering, "Baby Brain." On Thursday I went to a taco shop for lunch. I ordered and paid for my burrito. When they called my number I got up and approached the counter. Somehow I walked out the door without my lunch! I got two steps out and realized that I had everything except what I went in for. So, I have to admit it. The rumors are true. Pregnant women get ditzy.

Having ranted about this I think I'll put off writing about current affairs until tomorrow. I do have something in mind, so I will return to post promptly. In the meantime, enjoy the crispness of the season.