D and I are getting married in one month. On September 23rd, I become Mrs. D.

The closer the wedding gets, the more I fall in love with him. I knew I loved him previously, but recently the reality is setting in. I'm looking at my husband. I guess previously that there was this detached understanding, this logical mind, interfering with my ability to feel the immensity or wonder that this should invoke.

For some reason the shift from "the guy I'm going to marry" just doesn't feel as fantastic as "my husband." The mind is an oddity. Our ability to transform our own sense of awe by shifting paradigms is a gift.

Redhead met my love a couple of weeks ago when she was in the area. Our circles are almost complete. We've both met almost everyone that we both care about. We're on the path to forever.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

* This is from the Engagement Photo Shoot. It's not the official Engagement Photo.

Mediterranean Jelly Fish

I hope that I don't see any of these on our honeymoon in Greece.

I can't wait to get to Greece. Though I am excited about our wedding, I am almost as excited for it to be over. I know that the actual event will be worth every second of the effort we're putting into this (I include my fiance, his mom and our friends) but at this point, I'm ready...I'm ready to be married...I'm ready to stop planning and simply DO IT!

This is in part because of the things that have abruptly changed without notice - including two attendants stepping down for different personal reasons in the last two weeks. Though I wish it hadn't shaken me off balance, I have to admit, that for a time, it did. I'm still feel ahead of the curve. I've been working very hard every day to ensure that all the variables are considered and that people's needs are met. But I can't make everything work for everyone.

I'm bummed that our options for bridesmaid dresses were so limited. (We would have had to pay an extra $100 per dress to choose anything else.) I wish that it wasn't strapless. I wish it wasn't ivory. Though the dress looks good with my dress, I know that it isn't the most flattering for all the ladies who will be wearing it.

I guess this is why bridesmaid dresses have such a bad rap. It's almost impossible to find something that will compliment everyone. And it is impossible to isolate that unless you have everyone present to try the samples on and give their opinions and concerns.

What I've realized today is that, like life, weddings are just about choices. When you decide to marry someone that is the most important choice. It is followed by a bevy of other choices that help isolate personal tastes and priorities.

My hair stylist is engaged. She's done planning her wedding which will be in March in Mexico with a maximum of 12 guests. She only got engaged two months ago! She feels like she cheated and made it easy on herself by cutting the numbers and getting away. It was her choice to make it small and easy. That's not cheating, it's just different than what I've chosen.

D picked up my wedding band today. He surprised me with it at dinner. I tried it on. It's perfect with my engagement ring; they look like a set. That ring represents a compromise between my husband and me. It symbolizes the harmony achieved when both people come away feeling good about the agreement at the end of a conversation. It speaks to the balance that is give and take between a husband and wife.

Now - to become a wife!!

37 days to go...

YEAST FREE

Today I visited an acupuncturist. Andrea had given me a certificate for my birthday (April 15th) but I didn't use it until today.

The session was great. As I lay on the table with needles in my pressure points, listening to the new age music that seems to be written for massage therapy and the such, I felt like I was in a state of deep meditation. I wasn't asleep but I wasn't actively thinking either. I started off thinking and observing the sensations in my body; I peeked at the needles in my arm; I felt the pulse of my heartbeat regulating.

After several minutes, I let that go. I stopped observing my body like it was a separate entity and began to relax into my unified experience. My mind stopped darting around looking for things to grasp; my nervous system coasted; my face projected this calm.

I felt rejuvenated coming out of that room.

And before I left I was given the best news I've received in months - I don't show signs of a yeast overgrowth. She explained that in people that have yeast problems that there is a filmy yellowish coating on the tongue. Mine does not have that. She looked at the supplements I've been taking (Colonix, Toxinout, Oil of Oregano, acidophilus, etc.) and said that everything I took was well chosen.

I've worked hard to get rid of the yeast...and now I have.

I'm still going to keep away from sugar because I want to be svelte on my wedding day. The dress fits now. I don't want to gain back the water weight that I lost upon quitting sugar. (I lost 8 pounds in the first 10 days of the yeast free/sugar free diet. My acupuncturist confirmed that this was water weight and not fat or muscle loss.)

I'm going to finish up with the supplements that I have been taking. I am going to maintain this diet to a lesser degree. But I can start living a normal life, stop taking so many pills & look forward to drinking champagne & eating cake at my wedding!

Here Comes the Christmas Tree

The other night I started humming while I was on the computer. The first three notes that came out where definitely, "Here Comes the Bride." I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this. My wedding is at the seven weeks and counting point today. And, like many ladies in my 'condition' I'm spending all of my free time doing something wedding related. Despite all of this, I was a bit shocked by myself and I noticed (with my intuition) D looked up at me too.

Suddenly the song shifted into "O Tannenbaum" on note four. This was a subconscious movement away from singing the entire bridal march. Oddly, it worked - they are, essentially, the same song at the starting gate.

A montage of Christmas trees in a white frocks and veils being shoved down an aisle collided with images of me strutting around with an angel on my head and balls hanging from my limbs. In the end, I feel like the song's not wrong - we're the same the Christmas tree and me. We're both being trimmed for one big day after which everything goes back in the closet and you go on with life. Fortunately, I won't be doing this again next year.

Bee at BART

Bathing little bee
On the Buddhist book I hold
Silent zen teacher