That last post was a bummer. It doesn't speak to the wonder that I feel as I walk through my days. It doesn't really reflect my inner climate of faith and hope for the future. It isn't what I really want to focus on. My way of living is unusual to many. I believe in visions of the future and my ability to make things happen by wishing for them.

My husband is a freelance writer. He interviews high profile creators, singers, producers, animators, film makers, and the like. He talks to them about their latest projects and learns how they use cutting edge technology to make their visions a reality that they share with the general public.

Several months ago when I was feeling less solid in my conviction that I can make things happen and felt more aimless than focused in my career and my life path he said something I will never forget. He said that I am like all the ultra successful people that he talks to every day.

I am not a follower, I am a visionary and a leader.

I am an artist.

I reflect the beauty of the world.

I am at a huge cross roads in life now. I am newly married (3 months on December 23rd). I am pregnant (expecting mid-June 2008.) I am finally taking steps to walk away from the bookkeeping business that I started seven years ago, with the intention of doing it only part time so that I could write, sing, and write music.

I'm at this point where I can't help but ask, "What's next." I know - motherhood. But I know that there is something more in my life calling me forward as well. This may be school. It may a new part-time endeavor that I enjoy more than logging numbers, I'm just not sure.

I don't know how to find the answer to this question. I just know that I will figure it out, or I'll start taking steps in one direction to find out if that is in fact what I want.

WHAT I WANT

• I want to help people.
• I want to propagate beauty in the world.
• I want work to be an act of love.
• I want to nurture goodness in the world.
• I want to learn.
• I want to grow.
• I want to travel.
• I want to explore.
• I want to laugh.
• I want to share.

The Good, the Bad & the Ugly

It's almost the end of the year. For many people this means the celebration of holidays: either the spirit of Christmas or observance of the high holy days, Hanukkah. Retailers and charities both hope that people are feeling generous this year. Children are making popcorn strings and gingerbread houses. Martha Stewart is baking cookies to give to people in elaborate packaging.

For a bookkeeper, the end of the year means exactly that: the end of the fiscal year. People are starting to think about taxes. Sole proprietors are asking what they made and what their deductions are so that they can inform tax advisors and allocate enough to their IRAs.

I haven't bought a Christmas gift or lit a candle, but I'm in the spirit - the spirit of taxes.

Today D began asking questions about our tax situation. Being the resident expert, research is my job. I spend most of my time regarding finance working to save people money by allocating expenditures in adventageous ways. I rarely look at tax tables. It's depressing.

If you are in the middle class, defined here as "Married Filing Jointly, with a combined taxable income of $63,700 to $128, 500 in 2007," you will be paying the Fed's $8,772.50 plus 25% of the amount over $63,700. To simplify: if you have two people earning $100K total, they would pay $15,172.50 in federal taxes (after the personal deduction of $10,700.) When I write it in terms of percentages, 15% doesn't seem like *that* much.

I realize that to someone outside California, $100K could sound like a lot of money. In this area, you can't even think of owning a home making that much or more. Condo's are nearly half a million dollars...and that's in Oakland, not San Francisco. Rentals are expensive, even prohibitive as well.

As this baby grows in my belly, we talk about the future and we both want to start building equity by paying a mortgage instead of rent. But even with a large down payment that would clear out D's inheritance and our savings, we'd be paying almost $1,000 more a month to own a small, modest home in a middle-class neighborhood. I say that, and our rent isn't cheap. We could pay a mortgage almost anywhere else in the country for what we pay each month for one bedroom w/o a dishwasher, garbage disposal, laundry, or parking.

So why don't you move? That's a logical question. We talk about it. But we both have family here. And though our drive to own is strong, we feel that it's important for our child to know its family (crazy though they may be.) We are considering a move to Seattle. But we're both complaining about the cold here now. It's been 53F during the day and 33F at night. In Seattle the high is 41F with the same low. We are going to go check it out and see how we do. There are good friends that compel us to consider it more seriously than we might otherwise, but the family consistently pulls our conversation back.

Is it realistic to believe that with a new president that the middle class might be able to start bridging the divide that continues to widen between us and the upper class? How is a new family supposed to buy a house, save for college, save for retirement, eat healthy food, have money for their kids extra-circular activities like sports or music lessons, pay for medical insurance, pay taxes AND have money in the bank? How is a family where one parent loses a job supposed to cope with that loss? These days, one income can be devastating to a family.

All I can do is hope. I'm still hoping that Al Gore will reconsider and lead the way to a bold new future.

Mort AKA Octogenarian, I have updated my blog to make it easier for you to read. I am honored to have you reading and appreciate your comments.

I am wondering if I need two separate blogs at this point. When I began this process, I didn't have a vision for what I was to create here. Now I realize that I have a duel purpose: to document my life as it happens, much in the way that I used to write in my journal and to air my views on current affairs and our political landscape.

I really only have two readers at this point (Thanks for reading Mort. You doubled my readership!) So I don't know if I have the need to write two blogs. Any suggestions? You are both much more experienced in this forum than I.

That said, I will start with the personal and move on from there.

Yesterday, Friday, D and I listened to our baby's heartbeat for the first time. As you can imagine, that was an awesome sound. I can't really explain the feeling of wonder, awe and amazement that papoose's beat-box rhythm inspired in me. It's visceral and as such, hard to pin down and discuss. Let's just go back to my initial description - awesome.

The nurse practitioner warned us as she approached me with the Doppler that we might not be able to hear anything yet. She said I'm in Week 12 as of December 1. So, it was the last day of Week 11 when she was listening. She said that they usually can't hear anything that early.

I'm confused by that as all the literature I read on the subject says that hearing a heartbeat is unlikely in Weeks 9 & 10 but by Week 11 you should have audible confirmation and by Week 12 it is a standard appointment practice to hear the baby's heart.

When she heard the sound she said she was surprised and impressed with the fact that we could hear it. After listening for a minute or so she went on to say that the heartbeat was very strong and that our baby is very healthy.

She seemed authentic in her conviction but the facts don't line up. So I'm left wondering if Kaiser's equipment is sub-standard or if, as D suggested, she was just trying to make us feel good about our baby's progress and health. I suppose it's possible that she's right, in a practical setting that they often don't hear hearts that early. Or maybe the average woman has a larger layer of fat around her belly pre-pregnancy than I did or do. Regardless, I am taking her comments in conjunction with a similar statement from my acupuncturist and am confident that our baby is the epitome of health.

I've been talking to D about reading to the belly. If he reads aloud he wants to go through Harry Potter or Shel Silverstein poetry - something "fun." I've got something more meaty in mind, like the encyclopedia.

When I was in grade school I remember watching a television program with my mom about a family of genius kids. The parents were of average intelligence, maybe slightly above average, but neither was a genius. However, each of their children were prodigies. One was graduating from an Ivy League school (maybe Harvard) when most kids would be graduating from middle school. When the scientists who were reporting on this phenomena gathered the facts, they theorized that this hyper-intelligence related to the parents reading aloud to the fetus in utero.

Ever since then, I've had it in my mind that I would read to my baby before it was born. Though I couldn't begin to theorize why an infant with a brand new brain and no language skills would be able to learn from the parents reading factual information as opposed to just talking to each other about day-to-day life, it wouldn't shock me to learn that reading helps them build the neural net and offers them an advantage when they do start attaching factual strings of information together.

Anyhow, what could it hurt? I certainly wouldn't mind learning what's in the pages of my encyclopedia. Of course, my brain is the opposite of the baby's brain right now. I can't retain much information at all. In fact, I'm acting like an air-head more often than not.

For example, I drove to the doctor's appointment yesterday. D got out of the car and purchased the parking ticket, placed it on the dashboard and locked the car.

Two hours later as we made a left turn out of the parking lot we heard an odd sound. He, smartly, suggested we go back to see what it was. I got out of the car and began to examine the pavement around where we made the turn in question. D looked on the roof. In one hand he held my cell phone, which is wrapped in a silicon non-slip sleeve. In the other hand he had my keys (the noise-making culprit.)

Retracing my steps I realize that when I got out of the car I opened the back door, put on my coat and put the two of my most important personal items on the roof and then promptly walked away. Duh. I need to get a compartmentalized handbag so that it is evident when things go missing. The cavernous purse I tote now is like a magical bag where things disappear even after I've just had them.

I could say that this is an isolated incident and fool myself (and you) into believing that my mistake was caused by an urgency to get to my doctor's appointment on time. But I have evidence that I am suffering, "Baby Brain." On Thursday I went to a taco shop for lunch. I ordered and paid for my burrito. When they called my number I got up and approached the counter. Somehow I walked out the door without my lunch! I got two steps out and realized that I had everything except what I went in for. So, I have to admit it. The rumors are true. Pregnant women get ditzy.

Having ranted about this I think I'll put off writing about current affairs until tomorrow. I do have something in mind, so I will return to post promptly. In the meantime, enjoy the crispness of the season.

Global Warming Commentary

As D and I drove home from Fairfield this evening we listened to "Quirks & Quarks" a podcast offered by CBC Radio. The show is a weekly news program dedicated to the latest discoveries in science, technology, medicine and the environment. The host interviews experts to discuss the findings in layman's terms.

Tonight we were listening to the podcast dated October 27, 2007. There was a segment on CO2 acceleration. The scientist interviewed sits on the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. He discussed the severity of global warming, which is worse than any prediction models used in 2000. He isolated several reasons why global warming is worse. The most interesting to me was that in the global economy we are using more carbon per dollar earned than ever before. Prior to 2000, we had been on a downward trend where each dollar earned was using less carbon than prior years. The correlation to the start of George W. Bush in office seems clear. It has been obvious for years, as he undermined the Kyoto Protocol, and worked to open up previously protected land to logging and oil rigs, that he is a consumer and not a conservationist. I stopped to wonder at the quatifiable evidence that has surfaced to illustrate the damage done while he has been President.

Today the American Nobel Prize winners went to the White House to be photographed with the President, as is the custom every year. Of course, Al Gore won a Nobel Peace Prize for his work on climate change, so he was in attendance. It was the first time that these men have met since Bush stole the office from Gore. Mr. Gore sat in the Oval Office, behind closed doors for 40 minutes with Bush today. They report to have talked about climate change through the entire duration. I can't even imagine what was said. I hope that Mr. Gore felt somehow triumphant through the course of their conversation.

Please Al Gore! PLEASE RUN AGAIN! We desperately need an environmentalist diplomat with a global perspective who is seasoned with good experience to lead this country. The debates show that we do not have a strong candidate who possesses these skills. Hillary is a politician cut from the same school as the conservatives who run the country now. We do not need a career politician next term. We need a visionary. PLEASE RECONSIDER. WE NEED YOU.

I am grateful to have an abundance of diverse foods to eat whenever I am hungry. We are blessed to have food in the refrigerator, the freezer, the pantry. And in moments where we "don't feel like cooking" we have bountiful choices for restaurants with cuisine from virtually everywhere on the globe. We are gifted to have so many choices. We eat what we feel like when we feel like it.

Conversely, there are 854 million hungry people in the world. Almost 16,000 children die of hunger-related causes every day; that's about one child dying every five seconds. There is a tendency to imagine that all of these people are in third world countries, but even in the U.S. one in ten households aren't able to satiate their basic needs. 11.7 million American children live in families that skip meals or eat less than necessary, because they aren't able to put more food on the table.

I am grateful for many things in life, but I am humbled every day when I remember southeast Asia. My trip to Laos taught me what poverty truly is. I keep that in mind when I think, "I have nothing to make for dinner." They would see a heavenly storehouse of food that could feed a family of four for several weeks. Since I made this paradigm shift, I've been able to appreciate my own creativity while eating what I've got on hand. (Like garbanzo beans or cans of indian food.)

The next time you eat, whatever you eat, be mindful and give thanks. Eating should be a right, but for many it is a privilege.

Happy Thanksgiving Eve

I went to my acupuncturist today. She said that I have the strongest chi of any pregnant woman she's ever seen. That would be consistent with me being the calmest bride she'd ever seen when she evaluated me two days before the wedding.

She told me that she normally sees women in their first trimester on a weekly basis, going bi-weekly in the second trimester. She booked me four weeks out because that's how great my chi is. She said my kid is going to be strong and smart and that she won't be surprised when she sees this baby as the President of the USA in years to come.

What do you say to that?

I know that my pregnancy is progressing well. I feel healthy. Though I am tired, I know that I am strong. I haven't had any morning sickness. I am not moody. All-in-all I feel good. Some people would guess that means that I'm going to have a boy. We'll see. I think it's a girl.


I'm not the mother that is sitting here aspiring for my unborn child to rule the world. But I do hope that he or she leads an impactful life that makes the world a better place for his or her place in it. I aim to teach my baby to see the beauty in life, in ordinary, routine life. And I hope to be able to show them some of the world's wonders early to inspire him or her to go looking for more of that wonderment throughout his or her life.

I really intended to write about what I am grateful for so that the posting was up for the duration of Thanksgiving. However, I'm too tired to be able to write anymore right now. I need to be a good pregnant lady and listen to my body instead of my creative spirit.

My creative spirit is strong and getting stronger. I need to focus it and set goals for myself to ensure that I feed my soul while being a diligent and loving mother and wife.

Life is happening so quickly these days. Is it just me? Does anyone else feel the sudden change in the air?

Home - Not at Work

I should be at work right now. I woke up this morning, got up and brushed my teeth. Though I'd made the giant stride to get out of bed, my body wasn't feeling up the challenge of starting the morning routine. I took my clean teeth back to bed and gave myself another hour plus to counter the fatigue that was so tightly wound into my muscles.

I woke up (this time without an alarm) and had to talk myself up. Though my body was relieved to have the extra time in bed, my rhinitis was rearing its ugly head and congestion was pressing in on me. I got up and made tea.

I'm supposed to take my iron supplement before eating, twice a day. It is a liquid, so it's not transportable for consumption pre-lunch. So, I need to take it at breakfast and dinner. That's not so easy-to-do. My stomach wants nothing but toast first thing in the morning. I started to grab for the bottle of iron in my vigilance to consume the nutrients I (and baby) need. As my hand touched the glass I could feel the bile in the back of my throat. Oh no. I'm not putting that down my throat right now. Hell no.

So, I've had toast and tea - as I do every day now.

I got an email back from my doctor telling me that the decongestant that I was interested in taking is now OTC. That's good news. But she strongly advised me to come in for an appointment to ensure that I don't have an upper respiratory infection. JEEZ. On the one hand, if I do have an upper respiratory infection - THAT SUCKS. On the other hand, at least it won't last the duration of my pregnancy like rhinitis could. So, now I'm on the fence. Do I go into the epicenter of illness to be evaluated, especially knowing that they might not do anything but prescribe rest and decongestants? Or do I wait-it-out, take OTC meds and see how I fare?

Though I often err on the side of self care rather than western medical opinions, I think in this case, an evaluation might be a good move. I've had these symptoms for nearly two weeks now. And they aren't getting better. Meanwhile, I'm feeling wiped out, as you do when you have slime pushing out of you through major orifices. (Grouse.)

RE: genetic testing that I mentioned yesterday. After posting my blog entry I found a forum on CVS by women who had the procedure. Though about half the women said that it was fine, or that it was only uncomfortable during the procedure, there were as many who said that if they would have known how much it was going to hurt that they never would have gone through it. One woman advised women to take 3 - 4 days bed rest (instead of the 24 hours that the doctors advise) because she only took the 24 hours and she was still bleeding 4 weeks later. She said that her pregnancy had been easy and uneventful prior to CVS and that the bleeding started immediately after and hadn't stopped. She'd had to go back to the doctors for evaluation because the medics were afraid that the bleeding might be an indication of a problem with her baby. Fortunately, her kid was fine.

So, I shared this with D and told him flatly that I'm not doing this procedure. I don't think that my baby has a genetic problem. And if it does, it would likely miscarry naturally before the amnio that is tentatively set on January 3. I feel better knowing that we've made this decision. And though I would like confirmation that everything is good and right with my baby, I am not willing to risk my health or the health of mini-me to get those results. We're fine. I'll just keep eating right and resting and walking and loving my husband and our baby and I believe that everything will be beautiful for all of us.

Week 9

My baby is almost 1 inch long now, about the size of a grape. Hands and feet are continuing to form and her joints are able to move, though I won't be able to feel her swimming. The embryonic tail is gone and her facial features become more pronounced each day. Nipples and hair follicles are forming. Her internal reproductive organs are starting to form (ovaries or testes if it is a boy.) This information comes from the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy. Elsewhere I've read that baby girls start life with 7M eggs in their ovaries. By the time they are born that number shrinks to 2-3M eggs. And by the time she reaches maturity and begins menstruation the number has dwindled to 400,000 eggs.

Meanwhile, my body is working hard to prepare a good environment for my papoose to flower. This began with an increase in blood volume that will increase 40 - 50% above my pre-pregnancy blood volume. Most of this production occurs in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, so presumably I'm 2/3 of the way through this process. Because of this increased blood volume, my heart is working harder. In fact, pregnancy increases heart rate by up to 15 extra beats per minute. This is what causes the dizziness associated with pregnancy, as well as exhaustion in the first trimester.

The up-side of the extra blood circulating is that my skin is slightly flushed and plump. The pregnant glow is becoming noticeable. Part of this glow comes from hormones (HCG and progesterone) that increase oil production - so I could be struggling with breakouts instead of enjoying a dewy look.

Of course, things are growing too. D noticed my larger breasts within a couple of weeks of conception. And they have continued to balloon since then. My OB/GYN laughed when I asked if there will be a lull at some point in the pregnancy. "No, they will continue to grow. Once you give birth and milk production starts, they will get larger again." I started out with perky, C cups. I'm preparing myself to move up to an F cup later in the game.

This causes back aches - as does the ligament releasing hormone (Relaxin) that's already started preparing my body to throw out a bowling ball sized kid. My hips are starting to hurt and this is supposed to climax in the third trimester as they bear the weight of kidlet in addition to my larger self.

Despite all of this - I'm happy. I have this little person in there getting ready to sprout 25K neurons next week. Though I don't feel great, I don't have morning sickness to complain about. Really, my largest complaint at this point is the excess mucus production that has my head stuffed, my nose running, and my throat full of gunk each morning. This is called Pregnancy Rhinitis and can last up to two weeks after I deliver. I'm hoping that my OB can recommend something to relieve these symptoms. I can't imagine having the equivalent of a bad cold for the next seven months without some sort of decongestant. That said, I don't want to take the one medicine that Kaiser has ok'd: Sudafed with ephedrine. I find this recommendation odd as everything I read warns mothers to stay away from caffeine: stop drinking coffee, or strictly limit yourself to one cup per day because they say that it is hard on the baby's heart to beat as quickly as it would with the excess caffeine. Ephedrine is also a stimulant. So, I don't want to take that. I don't trust drug manufacturers and the FDA that they control to offer unbiased and truthful advice. So I am sniffling with a good conscience that I am doing the best for my baby. (At least until my health care provider offers me an alternate solution.)

Now D & I need to make the final decision on genetic testing (since I'm 35 and will be 36 when I give birth.) He's most comfortable with doing CVS because it is accurate clinical information. Other tests are non-invasive but offer statistics of probability instead of sampling specific genetic information for our baby. I'm a bit concerned about doing CVS because it could be painful and because it has a risk of miscarriage associated with the procedure. We still need to talk it through. But as we have to do this test between Week 10 and Week 12, our decision needs to be made very soon to get an appointment.

I'm going to go talk with him now about it. I think we're probably going to go with CVS. If so, I'll call to make the appointment today.

Timeline

There have been so many changes in life since I last wrote. I have been wanting to post here to sort through them and document them on a more day-to-day basis, but circumstances have continued to compound so I'm only now able to air my thoughts here.

September 23, 2007

I married the love of my life. I'm 35 years old. I have waited a lifetime for the right guy. Within days of our dating I knew he was the one. And now, six weeks into marriage I can feel that truth growing with each day. I am so grateful to have this force of love in my life. He is a pillar of strength, a coach, a cheerleader, a cook, a housekeeper and of course, my lover.
(Photo by Jay Gregory.)


September 25 - October 11, 2007

GREECE! Our honeymoon was everything a honeymoon should be. It was the trip of a lifetime, it offered beautiful sunsets, fantastic food, friendly people, beaches of all description, and a bit of adventure.

Athens to Naxos to Santorini to Crete

At left: Santorini from the ferry as we came into port from Naxos. Photo by ME!

October 12, 2007

It's positive! We knew going into the wedding night that if we didn't use a condom that we could get pregnant. (I was exactly mid-cycle on our wedding day.) As we traveled Greece on honeymoon, my appetite grew as did my boobs. If I'd been on schedule, my period would have started on our last day in Greece, or on the flight home.

At breakfast in Berkeley, we decided to go and get a drugstore test. The test is supposed to take up to 2 minutes to give a result. My symbol was evident within seconds. We're having a baby!

October 23, 2007

My mother-in-law passed away. This was sudden and totally unexpected. The short story, because I've repeated it so many times at this point and I feel that this should be a separate post, is that she had a massive heart attack and didn't last the night. The long story is still being written as my husband and his father grieve the loss of a wonderful mother and wife.


Photo by Steve Dunphy
My mom, Judith on the left
His mom, Denise on the right

We miss you Denise!

3 days...or is it 2

I am about to be married. The implications of this are starting to set in. The happiness is welling up. We smile at each other in knowing ways that have new meaning and depth. Wow.

I can't take much time right now to contemplate this further and document my inner workings on this subject - I have a wedding to prepare for - and that's a full time job.

I did want to remember this moment though...the moment when I came to fuller understanding about my own marriage and what it will be. I feel like I'm diving into a cool pool. I'm holding my breath on the shore preparing to jump. I am about ready to do a canon ball of love.

I am sitting here contemplating how I will spend my time when I no longer have this wedding consuming so much of my attention. I see the bottom shelf, full of wedding books. I realize that in several weeks those books will be past tense; I will have no need for them. I will have walked through the portal door that is the aisle. I will re-emerge as a wife.

I still haven't decided whether to keep my name or to adopt a new identity as Mrs. D. Lately, I fancy the idea of keeping two of my initials - my current middle and last name. My new initials would be M.M.G.D. I'm still MG at the core but M.D. is on the outside. Somehow this seems strangely symmetrical as I look at it now.

Several people say that if I take this name that I must buy an M.G. car. I wouldn't mind. I've always wanted to have a car with the license plate M.G.'s MG . Wow. If I took this name professionally and used the car as a kind of marketing - could I write it off? (Such a bookkeeper.)

Lately I have been working toward becoming a published children's writer. When I envision my new name I often envision it on a book cover. Someday I know my new name will be published. Choosing a name feels like choosing a destiny. I am transforming my life. This engagement has been a chrysalis where I contemplate myself and the future while learning about the architecture and dynamics of this gaggle we call our (my fiance and my) family.

I think that there are some people tha would use the word families as opposed to family in the singular. But isn't this the point? That we are consummating the collective into relatives? We are Family. I just decided that we're going to have the entire family dance to We Are Family - anyone that is related to us will be on that floor.

The whole reason that I insisted on this wedding when Dustin wanted to elope, was because I wanted our wedding celebration to be a family affair. It will be a family affair.

Bride out

D and I are getting married in one month. On September 23rd, I become Mrs. D.

The closer the wedding gets, the more I fall in love with him. I knew I loved him previously, but recently the reality is setting in. I'm looking at my husband. I guess previously that there was this detached understanding, this logical mind, interfering with my ability to feel the immensity or wonder that this should invoke.

For some reason the shift from "the guy I'm going to marry" just doesn't feel as fantastic as "my husband." The mind is an oddity. Our ability to transform our own sense of awe by shifting paradigms is a gift.

Redhead met my love a couple of weeks ago when she was in the area. Our circles are almost complete. We've both met almost everyone that we both care about. We're on the path to forever.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

* This is from the Engagement Photo Shoot. It's not the official Engagement Photo.

Mediterranean Jelly Fish

I hope that I don't see any of these on our honeymoon in Greece.

I can't wait to get to Greece. Though I am excited about our wedding, I am almost as excited for it to be over. I know that the actual event will be worth every second of the effort we're putting into this (I include my fiance, his mom and our friends) but at this point, I'm ready...I'm ready to be married...I'm ready to stop planning and simply DO IT!

This is in part because of the things that have abruptly changed without notice - including two attendants stepping down for different personal reasons in the last two weeks. Though I wish it hadn't shaken me off balance, I have to admit, that for a time, it did. I'm still feel ahead of the curve. I've been working very hard every day to ensure that all the variables are considered and that people's needs are met. But I can't make everything work for everyone.

I'm bummed that our options for bridesmaid dresses were so limited. (We would have had to pay an extra $100 per dress to choose anything else.) I wish that it wasn't strapless. I wish it wasn't ivory. Though the dress looks good with my dress, I know that it isn't the most flattering for all the ladies who will be wearing it.

I guess this is why bridesmaid dresses have such a bad rap. It's almost impossible to find something that will compliment everyone. And it is impossible to isolate that unless you have everyone present to try the samples on and give their opinions and concerns.

What I've realized today is that, like life, weddings are just about choices. When you decide to marry someone that is the most important choice. It is followed by a bevy of other choices that help isolate personal tastes and priorities.

My hair stylist is engaged. She's done planning her wedding which will be in March in Mexico with a maximum of 12 guests. She only got engaged two months ago! She feels like she cheated and made it easy on herself by cutting the numbers and getting away. It was her choice to make it small and easy. That's not cheating, it's just different than what I've chosen.

D picked up my wedding band today. He surprised me with it at dinner. I tried it on. It's perfect with my engagement ring; they look like a set. That ring represents a compromise between my husband and me. It symbolizes the harmony achieved when both people come away feeling good about the agreement at the end of a conversation. It speaks to the balance that is give and take between a husband and wife.

Now - to become a wife!!

37 days to go...

YEAST FREE

Today I visited an acupuncturist. Andrea had given me a certificate for my birthday (April 15th) but I didn't use it until today.

The session was great. As I lay on the table with needles in my pressure points, listening to the new age music that seems to be written for massage therapy and the such, I felt like I was in a state of deep meditation. I wasn't asleep but I wasn't actively thinking either. I started off thinking and observing the sensations in my body; I peeked at the needles in my arm; I felt the pulse of my heartbeat regulating.

After several minutes, I let that go. I stopped observing my body like it was a separate entity and began to relax into my unified experience. My mind stopped darting around looking for things to grasp; my nervous system coasted; my face projected this calm.

I felt rejuvenated coming out of that room.

And before I left I was given the best news I've received in months - I don't show signs of a yeast overgrowth. She explained that in people that have yeast problems that there is a filmy yellowish coating on the tongue. Mine does not have that. She looked at the supplements I've been taking (Colonix, Toxinout, Oil of Oregano, acidophilus, etc.) and said that everything I took was well chosen.

I've worked hard to get rid of the yeast...and now I have.

I'm still going to keep away from sugar because I want to be svelte on my wedding day. The dress fits now. I don't want to gain back the water weight that I lost upon quitting sugar. (I lost 8 pounds in the first 10 days of the yeast free/sugar free diet. My acupuncturist confirmed that this was water weight and not fat or muscle loss.)

I'm going to finish up with the supplements that I have been taking. I am going to maintain this diet to a lesser degree. But I can start living a normal life, stop taking so many pills & look forward to drinking champagne & eating cake at my wedding!

Here Comes the Christmas Tree

The other night I started humming while I was on the computer. The first three notes that came out where definitely, "Here Comes the Bride." I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this. My wedding is at the seven weeks and counting point today. And, like many ladies in my 'condition' I'm spending all of my free time doing something wedding related. Despite all of this, I was a bit shocked by myself and I noticed (with my intuition) D looked up at me too.

Suddenly the song shifted into "O Tannenbaum" on note four. This was a subconscious movement away from singing the entire bridal march. Oddly, it worked - they are, essentially, the same song at the starting gate.

A montage of Christmas trees in a white frocks and veils being shoved down an aisle collided with images of me strutting around with an angel on my head and balls hanging from my limbs. In the end, I feel like the song's not wrong - we're the same the Christmas tree and me. We're both being trimmed for one big day after which everything goes back in the closet and you go on with life. Fortunately, I won't be doing this again next year.

Bee at BART

Bathing little bee
On the Buddhist book I hold
Silent zen teacher

My list - AKA Homework from Redhead

I am so glad to have this to do right now. I wrote in my journal (similar process but more private) about other emotional hot spots that I've been working through lately on my way in to work.

Though I didn't get it all out, I got a lot of it out. So, I'm on my way to the upward swing, but I'm not feeling it yet.

There's another bit that I didn't say in my last post about my physical well-being. Because of this chronic yeast infection, I've stopped taking the pill. From what I read, hormones increase the likelihood for the cycle to continue - so I quit several months ago. That means that D and I are now using condoms.

Well, twice in the last four weeks, they've slipped. And because we don't want to get pregnant just before getting married, I've taken the morning after pill each time. (I've told him that I won't ever do it again.) The hormonal surge has seen me have three complete periods in four weeks. I suspect that I'm still swimming through the wake of the last dose, which was about ten days ago. I am guessing that I'm having a mini post-partum depression, minus the stretch marks and sleepless nights.

Redhead suggested going to a naturopath. I've been thinking of going to an acupuncturist and/or Chinese medicine doctor. So, yes - we're on the same page. I have Kaiser. Though they have a lot of ads about alternative medicine, I haven't tried to capitalize on their services yet. We'll see what happens with that. I'm open to anything.

Ok, now for my homework.

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY

* Talking to good friends who know me and love me
* Walking on a warm, sunny day
* Photographing flowers & bees
* Watching smiling dogs
* Getting a massage
* Getting a manicure/pedicure (AKA the paws & claws)
* Cuddling with D
* Dancing with my friends
* Accomplishing something that has a lasting positive effect in my life or the world (like planting a tree or having a photo published)
* Doing a full 80 minutes of yoga
* Picking blackberries
* Reading Buddhist books/texts
* Listing the things that I am grateful for (and realizing how privileged I am)
* Watching fireworks
* Eating toast

The next part of my assignment is to do one of these things. I think that I am going to book a massage because it will help me with the physical issues I'm having as well as allow me to release my stress. I am also going to do yoga tomorrow - maybe not 80 minutes - before I go to work.

I love you Redhead. Thank you for being here.

THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE ...

In the last two days I have had two dear friends tell me that I am not happy.

Wow. What do you say to that? I know it's true. It's upsetting that it's true. Why am I unhappy?

THE BAD
I have carpal tunnel and tennis elbow. In the last week my condition has gotten to be the worst it has been to date. Shooting pains run from my shoulder blade and jolt up my neck. I didn't know this was carpal tunnel until yesterday.

I have had a headache for the last six days straight. I've taken ibuprofen, vicadin & benadryl. Though the pain will subside for a bit, I'll wake up with it the next day. I guess that this is related to carpal tunnel too.

I've had yeast infections for nearly six months now. I might get rid of it for a few weeks (like two or three) but they come back. To counteract this I have tried using the over-the-counter creams for up to two weeks straight without success. I have been following a strict diet that prohibits sugar of any sort, yeast (read bread), cheese, alcohol, soy sauce, mushrooms, vinegar, mayo, canned tomatoes, dried fruit, and high glycemic foods.

I want to eat pie!! It's summer time. I want shortcake and strawberries. I want peach pie. I want lemon blueberry tart. I want Strawberry rhubarb gallette. I get none.

Because of this recurring yeast infection, I am feeling A-sexual. This would be hard enough in the normal day-to-day life with a partner. But I am engaged to be married in seven weeks. My fiance has been patient and understanding. He doesn't push me. But I know his sex drive and I know that I am depriving him. (We have relations maybe three times a month right now.) So, I feel bad and guilty about holding him off and am in pain half the time we go for it.

On top of this I have been getting dizzy spells for over two months. They've done an EKG and blood work and we don't have answers. The doctors don't know why I get dizzy, they just know why I don't. This is somewhat reassuring, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like something isn't right with me. It's hard not to know what my problem is.

Because of the dizziness and testing, I took a week off of work. I felt relaxed and happy, despite the testing and uncertainty because I was able to rest when I needed to rest, take the time to cook what I can eat, and focus on my health and my wedding.

Last week when I returned to work I developed the previously mentioned carpal tunnel. Even though I haven't been doing much on the computer today, the bands in my neck are tight as a violin bow. The headache is looming. My arms are sore.

Meanwhile, I'm working a job I don't love - or even like much. If I didn't have to pay for this wedding, I'd be taking the two months off that my fiance recommended three months ago.


THE GOOD
My fiance is a rock in my life. He is a wonderful man that holds my needs above his desires. He is supportive. He is encouraging. He is concerned. He is stable. He is my friend. I love him so much. I can't believe that I walked this long alone.

I have a good gig where I make my own hours and I make a good hourly wage so I don't have to work full time. Though I feel oppressed by the type of work sometimes (bookkeeping) I am grateful for this flexibility and the financial freedom it affords me.

I am grateful for my apartment. We don't own a home - yet. We live in a one bedroom apartment. This place, though we will grow out of it, is comfortable and warm. We have a warm, soft bed with nice sheets and good pillows.

I am grateful for the food in our refrigerator. Sometimes people forget how many people go hungry in the world. We have a bevy of choices in our kitchens at all times. Americans have a tendency to look through the food that we buy and see nothing because we desire something else in the moment. We declare that there is "nothing to eat". There is something to eat. In fact, it could feed a family for a couple of weeks if necessary. That's amazing. We are so gifted.

It's so late and I am tired. I have homework from Redhead to make a list of things that make me happy. I will do that. I just had to let this out first.

I want to be happy. I will be happy. Despite "THE BAD" above.

Roll over Kohlrabi
Last Night's Dinner Disappointment

Kohlrabi is one thing that you can't find in wikipedia - yet. There is only mention of it in "Cuisine of Assam." I didn't know that it was a cuisine of Assam. I didn't know much, but I attempted to cook it anyway.

It is a green root vegetable. According to The New Basics Cookbook it is a peppery version of broccoli. Kohlrabi cakes were described as, "similar to potato pancakes with a bite - they're spiked with ginger & red pepper flakes." I thought that might be good! Lower glycemic index - give it a go!

I've read that most recipes that are published, aren't actually tested before publication. I have to wonder if the author ever actually tried this green, bulbous vegetable. Dustin and I decided it was more like a cross between a radish and a turnip. Experimentation does sometimes lead to disappointing meals; this was one of those.

Tonight, on the other hand, was fantastic. Recipe below (with my additions):

Oil-Roasted Haricots Verts, Potatoes, Fennel & Elephant Garlic
Serves 4

• 2 fennel bulbs - about 1 1/4 pounds
• 1 1/2 lbs small new potatoes
• 1 1/2 lbs blue lake greenbeans/haricots verts (thin, tender green beans)
  
• 2/3 cup olive oil
• 1/2 t. course (kosher) salt
• 1 bulb elephant garlic
  
• freshly ground pepper to taste
  

1. Preheat oven to 425 F.
   
2. Cut the tops off the fennel & cut into quarters. Thinly slice the potatoes & the elephant garlic. Snap the ends off the beans.
3. Combine the fennel, potatoes & oil in a mixing bowl. Toss well. Spread the mixture (with the oil) out onto a roasting pan or baking sheet. Sprinkle with the course salt. Bake for 30 minutes.
4. Remove the baking sheet from the oven. Toss the beans & elephant garlic with the cooked vegetables. Bake until lightly browned - 10 to 15 minutes. Sprinkle with the pepper. Serve hot or at room temperature.

* I used blue lake beans and they were perfectly cooked at 12 minutes. I'd suggest cooking 10 minutes if you use true haricots verts.

Blogging

As I read over my former posts I find the editor in me is sharpening her red pencil. (Why are creative types so self critical?) That is not the point of the blog; imparting the human experience is.

My human experience right now is fatigue, so this will be brief. I worked 8.75 billable hours, ending at 9:00pm. I did not eat breakfast. I did not have a bite (not a bite) until after 2pm when I had lunch with the firm. I did not have any snacks today and didn't have dinner until I returned home at 10pm. My diet has been working really well, but this is in part because I hadve been resting and taking mindful care of myself. But this week I fell back into the habits that created this imbalance in my body in the first place. My body is feeling the effects of my old tricks. I'm sore; I'm grumpy; I'm resentful.

I don't know why I'm not a "normal" person who just decides to pack it up when it gets late or I get hungry. I have to hit a mental wall or find a stopping point that I feel good about before I will allow myself to walk away from the bills in my box and the client invoices that need compiling.

I feel like my work ethic is a compulsion. Even now, I want to defend it. I want to make a case for the importance of the work I do and the time sensitive nature of the tasks I perform . I know that I am more important than the paper I push.

I don't want to push paper anymore. I want to create. I am a healer of the world...not a bookkeeper...even though that's what I've been...

Asparagus

Today I ate lunch with Maria, a young esquire who is my nutritional antithesis. As I nibbled on my artichoke, she inquired how much of the leaf one eats. She had never eaten an artichoke before. WoW. I grew up eating artichokes. I don't know how someone could be born and raised in San Francisco, mere miles from Castroville, Artichoke Capital of the World, could have missed on eating them all her life. WoW.

As we talked I came to learn that the beets I gave her yesterday were the first beets she had ever eaten. She asked for an easy recipe. YEAH! I am so happy that I am helping someone by following this path and nourishing my body.

I asked her if she likes asparagus. She looked at me as if guessing and said, "That's the skinny, green stuff, right?" WHoA! Amazing. It never occurred to me that anyone above the age of 30 wouldn't even know what asparagus is!?! WoW.

Maria eats steak and bread for dinner. Maybe soon she'll add some broccoli or beets for good measure.

30 Times

Today is Day 11 of my Candida Diet. I am acclimating well. I have lost 6 pounds. My skin looks good. My co-workers are telling me that I look healthy (in comparison to two weeks ago when they said that I looked tired and worn out.) Most importantly, I feel good...which feels GREAT! I actually get out of bed with a spring in my step now. And I've realized that I feel like myself again (i.e. happy and light hearted.)

I might be following this diet for quite a while. Most sources recommend adhering to it for four months. I'm ok with that. Honestly, it feels good to be so focused on my own health. We are eating so well!

Yesterday I came across the following from Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese monk who is also a prolific writer and peace activist:

"In Buddhist monasteries, we eat our meals in silence to make it easier to give our full attention to the food and to the other members of the community who are present. And we chew each morsel of food thoroughly, at least thirty times, to help us be truly in touch with it. Eating this way is very good for digestion.

"Before every meal, a monk or a nun recites the Five Contemplations: 'This food is the gift of the whole universe -- the earth, the sky, and much hard work. May we live in a way that is worthy of this food. May we transform our unskilful states of mind, especially that of greed. May we eat only foods that nourish us and prevent illness. May we accept this food for the realization of the way of understanding and love.

"Then we can look at the food deeply, in a way that allows it to become real. Contemplating our food before eating in mindfulness can be a real source of happiness. Every time I hold a bowl of rice, I know how fortunate I am. I know that 40,000 children die every day because of the lack of food and that many people are lonely, without friends or family."

- Living Buddha, Living Christ

I read that to D last night over dinner. I was amazed how quickly I forgot to be mindful and fell into my habit of shoveling food into my mouth. D, conversely, brought me back to the lesson again and again. He was counting as he chewed. He would mention how hard it was to chew 30 times (we were eating brown rice, kale with cannellini beans and garlic & fried chicken (no skin or breading). He brought it up three times before I was also engaged in the practice.

As I masticated I noted the marked difference between 30 times and my usual feeding frenzy. I came to understand that I don't really chew my food. I mean, I do. But I don't utilize my mouth as the digestive starting point that it truly is.

Here I am, shopping, cooking and eating with the intent and purpose of reversing the GI issues that seem to be getting worse. And somehow, it hadn't occurred to me to completely chew my food!

Simple wisdom is beautiful. I am now working to eat like a monk. I stop to admire my food and to appreciate the sources that contributed to it. Most importantly, I am mindful of how I eat, not just what I eat. For these things are all inter-related.

As the Dalai lama taught last week: There is no independence. There is only dependent origination. We are all - everything - related.

I'm not sure what to write about first. I logged on tonight with the intention of relating my personal experience of the candida diet at the end of week one. But as soon as I started to type, the Dalai Lama came into my mind with a vivid mental picture; it insights me to reflect on two days in his presence first.

In the last two days I have truly studied. His Holiness was teaching two ancient advanced Buddhist texts. In fact, he said that the only way to reach enlightenment is to understand these lessons. The first text (Hymn to [the Buddha] The World Transcendent by Nagarjuna) was very difficult to follow; in a word, it was heady.

As I walked out my friend Derek asked if I was ok. In fact, I was floating through the world with my head swimming through my reality as I walked. Perhaps what I was feeling was the expansion of my neural net as it quickly built branches from the small roots of my prior understanding of buddhism into the tree of knowledge that I have been nurturing.

Though the first session was like mental gymnastics (and I was a little sore from being out of shape) I was eager to return to the auditorium and continue my learning today. The second text (In Praise of Dependent Origination by Je Tsongkhapa) was so well supported by the first. I was able to follow along more easily; the understanding was becoming a reality. On my way home on BART I re-read the text. My understanding came easily; I had learned what the author meant; that's a start. As I drove home from the train station it hit me: nothing means anything.

I think that I am going to ruminate over this and work on understanding before I summarize here. But I intend to summarize here (if anyone's interested).

So - back to food!

FAVA BEANS! If you haven't had them, you should try them. They are spring bounty. I often find myself looking at recipes for favas and am bummed that fresh ones aren't to be had. But if you are reading this in the spring, then you should seriously give them a try. They're fantastic. (Many restaurants include them on their specials.)

Tonight I fell upon a heaping mound of fresh favas at Berkeley Bowl (a grocery store, not a bowling alley). I bought two pounds. Because they are relatives of the pea they need to be shelled; a pound yields much less in the finished product. If you buy a pound a person you should be properly portioned.

Now that I have favas in hand I am unearthing my recipes. Here are a couple that I am considering for tomorrow's lunch/dinner.

Fava Beans with Yogurt, Lemon & Dill
Serves 4

• 4 pounds fresh fava beans in their pods
• 2 1/2 T. extra virgin olive oil
• 3 scallions, including some of the greens, thinly sliced
• 1 t. finely grated lemon zest
• 1 T. fresh lemon juice
• Salt & freshly milled pepper
• 3 T. finely chopped dill
• 1/3 cup yogurt, whisked until smooth

Shell the beans and peel them if they're large. Cook them in a medium skillet over medium heat in 1 T. of olive oil until they're tender, about 10 minutes, then stir in the scallions and turn off the heat. Whisk together the remaining oil, lemon zest, juice and a pinch of salt. Pour it over the beans, add most of the dill and gently mix everything together. Season with pepper. Pile the beans in a dish, drizzle with the yogurt over all and garnish with the remaining dill. Serve warm or chilled.
from Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone by Deborah Madison

Deborah Madison is a gifted cook who focuses her talent on creating flavorful, nutritious and healthy food. I would recommend this cookbook so highly. The recipes are inspiring and delicious.

Fava Bean Puree
Makes about 1 cup

• 2 pounds fava beans, shelled
• 1 1/2 T. extra-virgin olive oil
• Salt & pepper
• Fresh lemon juice

Bring a small pot of water to boil and salt lightly. Drop in the beans and cook until bright green, 1 or 2 minutes. Drain and rinse under cold water. Open the skin along the seam with your thumbnail and slip the beans out of their skins.
Heat the oil in a small saucepan and add the beans and a pinch each of salt & pepper. Cook over medium-low heat until tender, about 4 minutes, adding a little water to keep them moist. Tranfer to a small food processor and puree until smooth. Season with a few drops of lemon juice and salt & pepper to taste.
from Everyday Greens by Annie Somerville

Greens is a fantastic vegetarian restaurant in San Francisco. This is her second book, the first being Field of Greens. Her recipes are elegant in their simplicity. She has a true love of Champagne vinegar. When you buy this book, go straight to your gourmand/foodie supply and buy a bottle of some good champagne vinegar.

For Redhead Momma

Redhead is the only person that is asking me to blog. I haven't really told anyone about this blog. But she knows - and she knows that I'd be a good blogger.

Today is Day 5 of my Yeast Free Diet. The following are my dietary restrictions as listed by Marcelle Pick, OB/GYN NP:

1. Avoid yeast–containing foods:

• Beer, wine, and all other forms of alcohol
• Breads, rolls, pretzels, pastries, cookies, and sweet rolls
• B–complex vitamins and selenium products, unless labeled “yeast–free”
• Vinegar or foods containing vinegar, such as mustard, salad dressings, pickles, barbeque sauce, mayonnaise
• Commercially prepared foods such as soups, dry roasted nuts, potato chips, soy sauce, cider, natural root beer, olives, sauerkraut

2. Avoid mold–containing and mold–supporting foods:

• Pickled, smoked or dried meats, fish, and poultry
• Cured pork bacon
• All cheese, aged or fresh
• Mushrooms
• Tempeh
• Soy sauce, tamari, and miso
• Peanuts, peanut products, and pistachios
• Herbs and teas that may be moldy
• Malt or foods containing malt
• Canned or prepared tomatoes (fresh tomatoes are fine)

3. Avoid all concentrated sugars:

• Honey, maple syrup, brown sugar
• Fruit juices (canned, bottled, or frozen)
• Dried fruits
• All processed sugar
• Anything containing high–fructose corn syrup
• High glycemic index foods

What foods can you eat in a Candida diet?

• All fresh vegetables — a large variety, raw or lightly steamed, is best; be sure to include dark green leafy vegetables.
• Fresh protein at every meal, including beef, chicken, fish, turkey, eggs, and shellfish. Organic is best, but fresh is essential.
• Complex carbohydrates, including grains (rice, buckwheat, barley, millet, couscous), whole grain oatmeal, beans (kidney, lima, red beans), and certain types of pasta (whole wheat, spelt, corn, rice). Be careful not to get too many carbs — 15 grams per meal maximum.
• Unprocessed nuts and seeds, except peanuts.
• Unrefined olive, sesame, safflower and corn oils (be sure to keep them in the refrigerator after opening to prevent spoiling).
• Lemon juice with oil for salad dressing — this may be a prepared product, but be careful to avoid any salad dressing that contains vinegar.
• Beverages such as mineral or spring water, soy milk, and unprocessed nut milks.
• Limited quantities of fruit (three daily), unless you see a reaction, then limit to twice weekly. Avoid grapes, raisins, dates, prunes and figs.

Redhead told me that I was inspiring her with my ability to maintain a positive outlook despite so many restrictions. She feels like meal planning is a challenge. She asked me about my approach to this issue. (Thanks Red, I'm glad to know that I am inspiring. I think that means that I am on the right track.)

My answer is this: I know that I have to do this for my body. I know that I desperately need to take care of myself...or my symptoms will get worse. I feel this thing (yeast) inside of me and I know that I have to starve it to death by avoiding sugar. I can't complain that I have to be conscious and resolute about each thing that I put into my mouth. It's easy. I know that what goes in my mouth is really going into my body. I want my body to be stronger. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be healthy.

I have taken photos of my food choices since the start of my diet. I will post menus and photos of our gourmet "diet" food. I am impressed with the variety of foods that I can eat. I choose to focus on those. Our dinners have been amazing. I'm looking forward to sharing.

-PAUSE-

In the present moment I am looking forward to the future. Tomorrow I will sit in the presence of the H.H. Dalai Lama (with 7,000 others) . The thought of seeing him speak gives me a thrill. I am so grateful to be able to sit in his presence and absorb his peace and ponder the knowledge that he imparts. I must get ready for bed. Tomorrow I want to be well rested and ready to learn from His Holiness.

Namaste

Happy Birthday to Me

Today I am 35 years old. I celebrated by going to a historic hotel and brunching with 12 friends. I'm glad we had that planned. I'm not good about making decisions on my birthday.

I think this stems from the long history of bad omens that occurred on this day. On the morning of my 3rd birthday as we were sitting down to Sunday brunch a stranger came to the door. He knocked and apologized for hitting our cat. That wasn't the last pet to expire on April 15th. There were many. In addition to pets dying I've had a number of disappointments related to the people that should have be celebrating with me. So I've gotten into the habit of setting my sites low and expecting the worst. Needless to say, I'm not one of those that gets excited when my day draws near; quite the opposite, I'm usually grumpy.

It's interesting to me to see the differences in people when they react to their own birthdays. Some people, like myself, are reluctant to celebrate. Others draw up a gift list weeks in advance and start their own countdown for their friends. As I ponder the paradigm difference between these two birthday orientations I have to question if this is an indicator of personality type or related to a certain demographic.

Anyhow, I ate good food with good friends and I took a photo walk through the neighborhood with my fiance. I made a wish today when I blew out the candle but really, I have the most important things covered: a partner who supports me and encourages me to grow, a group of friends who love me and remind me why I'm special, a comfortable house complete with a warm bed and soft pillows.

35 feels good.

I feel like I am working my way through the world in much the same way as a middle school or high school student does. Though I have been successful in my career as a bookkeeper to small businesses, predominantly law firms, over the last seven years I am no longer able to continue plodding down this path. I never really intended to "be" a bookkeeper; I merely wanted to work as a bookkeeper to enable myself some flexibility in the creative pursuits that are truly my calling.

Today I am staying home. I am extending my two day weekend to a full four days. Yesterday I feel like I wasted much of the day. I didn't set goals to accomplish, thus I didn't get much done. Today I want to be different. In fact, I need to shift my paradigm on a day-by-day basis. I need to make some headway toward achieving the things that I want to do.

Why is it so hard? Why do I feel like I don't know what that is?

I am still in the same place that I was in middle/high school/undergrad (which I never completed.) I am interested and capable in a number of disciplines. However, I am not inspired enough to commit to any of them...and that's what it takes to move forward - commitment to one thing.

As I just wrote all that, it's clear to me what I want to do and what I need to do. I am working to be a paid, professional photographer. I would like to be given assignments that see me travel to other places to take photos of people, wilderness and monuments that are vastly different from what is here in the San Francisco Bay Area.

I'm going to work on that today...that and my f'ing taxes. BAH!