Me Time

A couple of days ago my husband surprised me by suggesting that the next day, if Tristan was asleep at the same time, that he could take him out for a walk or stay home with him while I went out so that I could have some time alone. I asked him, "Did your book suggest that?" Yes, it did. We still haven't made the break that sees me without another person around. When we've tried to run a quick errand (to Whole Foods, three blocks away) or started a walk (we got four blocks that time) baby's belly seems to realize it's vast hunger and he starts to fidget and cry for food.

In case there is any question, I did feed him prior to these outings and we checked his diaper as well. The deal is, he eats hourly sometimes, and you just never know when he's going to be ok for a 2 - 3 hours, or when a cluster feeding is mid-swing.

So far, I've been reluctant to let baby out of my site for this reason. I know that I could pump and send Dad off with a bottle, but I'm really committed to breast feeding and multiple sources have stated that to avoid nipple confusion, you need to keep bottles and pacifiers out of baby's mouth for a minimum of 3 weeks, but ideally 4 - 6 weeks. This doesn't seem like a big deal to me, so I'm going with it.

What this means is that in the 2.5 weeks since my son was born, I've only left the house 4 times. 1) Follow-up doctor's appointment 2) Trip to the Elephant Pharmacy to get diapers, etc. 3) Failed trip to Whole Foods 4) Failed walk around the Lake Merritt

Oddly, I'm not cagey yet. In my marriage, I am the, "Let's go do something" force. My husband is the, "It's so nice at home" energy. Since the baby was born, he's been happy to run errands (formerly a source of frustration and angst for him) and I've been happy to be at home.

New parents are bombarded by the message, "Your life is never going to be the same again." I'd like to say that the root is deeper than that. I may never be the same again. As I sit here contemplating that, I wonder what it is I want to be in this new life. I've been looking for big changes for a long time. Now that I've moved into this future, I want to know what is next. (How typical of an Aries woman.)

I have been off work now for nearly six weeks. In this time, I've been able to observe my husband while he works at home. He's so good at maintaining a balance in what he does. He works out. He cooks. He cleans. He talks with friends & family. He surfs the internet. He takes walks. He goes grocery shopping. He does laundry. He fixes things around the house. And he puts out new leads for work.

I have done much less. When I was more mobile, pre-labor, I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, surfed the internet, and prepared for baby. Now I feel like I do even less. Now I sort laundry, cook sometimes, surf the internet, read, & nurse my son A LOT.

I know that this time is temporary. I know that I will get back into my own stride. I know that I will start to "live" again. But I feel like I must make some decisions about direction. I don't want to look back at myself in 10 years and realize that I've done a kick-ass job at raising my son, but haven't done anything that feeds my creative spirit.

Time to check on baby...