THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE ...

In the last two days I have had two dear friends tell me that I am not happy.

Wow. What do you say to that? I know it's true. It's upsetting that it's true. Why am I unhappy?

THE BAD
I have carpal tunnel and tennis elbow. In the last week my condition has gotten to be the worst it has been to date. Shooting pains run from my shoulder blade and jolt up my neck. I didn't know this was carpal tunnel until yesterday.

I have had a headache for the last six days straight. I've taken ibuprofen, vicadin & benadryl. Though the pain will subside for a bit, I'll wake up with it the next day. I guess that this is related to carpal tunnel too.

I've had yeast infections for nearly six months now. I might get rid of it for a few weeks (like two or three) but they come back. To counteract this I have tried using the over-the-counter creams for up to two weeks straight without success. I have been following a strict diet that prohibits sugar of any sort, yeast (read bread), cheese, alcohol, soy sauce, mushrooms, vinegar, mayo, canned tomatoes, dried fruit, and high glycemic foods.

I want to eat pie!! It's summer time. I want shortcake and strawberries. I want peach pie. I want lemon blueberry tart. I want Strawberry rhubarb gallette. I get none.

Because of this recurring yeast infection, I am feeling A-sexual. This would be hard enough in the normal day-to-day life with a partner. But I am engaged to be married in seven weeks. My fiance has been patient and understanding. He doesn't push me. But I know his sex drive and I know that I am depriving him. (We have relations maybe three times a month right now.) So, I feel bad and guilty about holding him off and am in pain half the time we go for it.

On top of this I have been getting dizzy spells for over two months. They've done an EKG and blood work and we don't have answers. The doctors don't know why I get dizzy, they just know why I don't. This is somewhat reassuring, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like something isn't right with me. It's hard not to know what my problem is.

Because of the dizziness and testing, I took a week off of work. I felt relaxed and happy, despite the testing and uncertainty because I was able to rest when I needed to rest, take the time to cook what I can eat, and focus on my health and my wedding.

Last week when I returned to work I developed the previously mentioned carpal tunnel. Even though I haven't been doing much on the computer today, the bands in my neck are tight as a violin bow. The headache is looming. My arms are sore.

Meanwhile, I'm working a job I don't love - or even like much. If I didn't have to pay for this wedding, I'd be taking the two months off that my fiance recommended three months ago.


THE GOOD
My fiance is a rock in my life. He is a wonderful man that holds my needs above his desires. He is supportive. He is encouraging. He is concerned. He is stable. He is my friend. I love him so much. I can't believe that I walked this long alone.

I have a good gig where I make my own hours and I make a good hourly wage so I don't have to work full time. Though I feel oppressed by the type of work sometimes (bookkeeping) I am grateful for this flexibility and the financial freedom it affords me.

I am grateful for my apartment. We don't own a home - yet. We live in a one bedroom apartment. This place, though we will grow out of it, is comfortable and warm. We have a warm, soft bed with nice sheets and good pillows.

I am grateful for the food in our refrigerator. Sometimes people forget how many people go hungry in the world. We have a bevy of choices in our kitchens at all times. Americans have a tendency to look through the food that we buy and see nothing because we desire something else in the moment. We declare that there is "nothing to eat". There is something to eat. In fact, it could feed a family for a couple of weeks if necessary. That's amazing. We are so gifted.

It's so late and I am tired. I have homework from Redhead to make a list of things that make me happy. I will do that. I just had to let this out first.

I want to be happy. I will be happy. Despite "THE BAD" above.