Straight From the Hip

2010-02-18T13:30:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in ages. I don't even remember the last time or the content of the last post. It doesn't matter.

What brings me back now is that damned Candida that saw me blogging nearly three years ago. Thankfully, I took notes for myself, because this feels like it could be another battle.

Last time I was on a restrictive diet for 5 months, took loads of nutritional supplements, drank nothing but water, and did a colon cleanse, among other treatments and remedies. This time? We'll see. I've already started the nutritional supplements, and am taking baby steps toward the diet.

Do I really have to do this again?!

Is it so bad if I do?

Last time I lost nearly 20 pounds without trying. My hair, skin, and nails looked great. I felt like I'd never been healthier. Of course, I had to cook everything from scratch, which took time. But I'm already cooking most things from scratch. So, will that really change things much?

I'm trying to see the up-side even as I'm suffering the symptoms and pondering the near future. Already I'm at a loss for what to eat when hungry and needing something quick.

Today
Breakfast: Low fat plain yogurt with blueberries, the only portion of fruit I'm supposed to have daily. This is actually an amendment to my diet last time, when I didn't eat ANY fruit for months. I found a version of the diet that allows me some fruit. The organic blueberries are just so delicious. Do I really have to fore-go them again? Maybe. Sugar is sugar. We'll see how I feel.

Snacks: 4 carrot sticks and 1 Tablespoon of almond butter

Lunch: 3 eggs, scrambled

I have dinner guests tonight, and hadn't anticipated having the dietary restrictions for myself. So, I'm having to mentally scramble to figure out what to serve as a side dish to the chicken I will be roasting. I want to be able to eat it, but I don't want anything to draw attention to the restrictions I'm personally observing.

While Dustin knows I have a yeast infection, I haven't told him that I believe it's going to take me two to three months to really fight it back. I don't really want to talk about this verbally. But I do have to get it out: I'm bummed out that I can't bake bread or cookies with my baby (too much temptation); I'm bummed that I have to go find yeast-free spelt bread to "enjoy"; I'm not happy that I can't eat vinegar (i.e. salad dressing, mayonnaise, etc.).

On the up-side, I do have several new cookbooks to glean recipe ideas from this time. Maybe, like last time, I'll find this a culinary inspiration.

2009-03-20T00:37:00.000-07:00

I took a test on Facebook that "revealed my Power Animal." It turns out, I'm an owl. I have to say, the description fits!

The owl represents brilliance, perspective, intuition, quick-wit, wisdom and clairvoyance. You have the ability to see and know things that others do not. A simple intonation that might go overlooked by another will be immediately recognized by you. You find yourself overcome with a special energy in the nighttime hours, and often feel the most creative and in tune when others are sleeping. You would do well in jobs that require a high degree of intuition and wisdom, such as a psychiatrist, a judge, or a position working with children. Just beware of making yourself too open to your outside surroundings. A sensitive such as yourself always need be aware of protecting your heart and mind.

2009-03-19T23:20:00.000-07:00

22.2 Pounds

Tristan is nearing 9 months and as of yesterday, he's hit the 22.2 mark on the scale. In case you haven't checked a weight chart for infants lately, let me tell you that this is a big kid. We've lately encountered many a one year old tot who can't hold a candle to my near nine month old. My son is HEALTHY.

2009-03-10T21:05:00.000-07:00

Teething Is So Hard

Redhead Momma wrote me last week to say that she remembers how her son's sleep habits changed at 8 months. She recalled how hard it was.

As I sit here typing, waiting for dinner (at 9:06pm), I listen to my son JUST going to sleep. Granted, there was a time change that moved us an hour into the future. So, it's 8:06 to him. Regardless, he's been tired and I've been working to lull him to sleep for over an hour.

He cries. I attend to him. He cries again. Twice in the last 24 hours, he would only be consoled if I held him and rocked him, like I did when he was a newborn. Today he actually fell asleep on me sitting up, head bobbing like a buoy.

I just re-read that last paragraph. I said he cries. That's an understatement. He screams like he's going to die. Maybe it feels that way to a new little person who has had a good life to this point with attentive parents and lots of love.

I'm resisting going to him right now. He's not crying, just kind of babbling with an occasional staccato that sounds like he's trying to conjure my presence. Relief. D went to him.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to raise a child(ren) as a single parent. I'm sure I could do it if pressed, but I don't envy those mothers and fathers their solidarity.

If you are reading this, know that I intend to actually post photos and some up-beat thoughts on parenting. This is part of the experience, so I had to relate it - more for myself than for you.

2008-12-24T23:24:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve

This year I decided to go for the totally unconventional. In fact, I didn't even try to make a proper menu. I opted to try 2 dishes that I've been wanting to make. The first, I found through Epicurious as I was poking around one day. The other I searched for. I had a craving for something that I haven't had in years. The restaurant is now closed. The only way to get what I want is to make it. So I did.

I grew up in Southern California next to the epic mall, South Coast Plaza. For anyone reading this who is unfamiliar with the area or the mall itself, let me suffice it to say that you have to cross a busy city street in order to get to the annex part of the mall. This annex, called Crystal Court, is as large as a "normal" mall; three stories, 2 major department stores, restaurants, hair salons, and retail stores a-plenty.

Coming of age in this area made finding a job rather easy...if you wanted to work in retail. I wasn't opposed to the idea. So, I found myself ironing linen skirts, selling Egyptian cotton sheets, and wearing battenburg lace collars at Westminster Lace. Across the "hall" was the compelling force behind this post: The Magic Pan. If you do a search for this place online, you will find that I am not alone in lamenting its loss. So, if you look, you can find recipes for their old favorites like the Chicken Divan crepe. My favorite was their cheese fritters. Imagine a savory beignet topped with finely shredded Parmesan and served with a sweet mustard sauce, and you will have see what is in my mind's eye.

I found the following recipe via the websites with recipes posted. I checked several and everyone had the same recipe posted for The Magic Pan Cheese Fritters. I gave it a go tonight. Though they were good, they weren't as good as I remember them. Even as I tasted these, which were good, I started tweaking the recipe in my mind for future use. I may never make them to compare with the memory of those beloved little morsels, but I will try.

Here's the recipe.

Magic Pan Cheese Fritters

1/2 cup milk
1 oz. blue cheese, crumbled
1 1/4 all purpose flour
1 T. baking powder
3/4 t. salt
dash cayenne
3 med. eggs
6 oz. of grated cheddar cheese
vegetable oil
grated Parmesan cheese

In small saucepan heat the milk and bleu cheese over medium heat until the cheese melts.
Mix together the flour, baking powder, salt and cayenne in a mixing bowl.
Add the milk and bleu cheese and mix thoroughly.
Add eggs one at a time and mix until blended.
Add cheddar cheese and blend for a couple of minutes.
Drop the mixture into fritter shapes into hot oil until light brown.
Sprinkle with Parmesan cheese.

Dipping Sauce
1 cup salad dressing (Miracle Whip?)
1/4 cup prepared mustard
1/4 cup sugar
dash of lemon juice

Mix all ingredients.

In the future, I will increase the blue cheese by 1/4 cup. I will use sharp instead of mild cheddar. I will cut the dipping sauce recipe in half. Even if I cut it to 1/4 I'd have enough.

2008-12-23T23:39:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Eve-Eve.

It just occurred to me that I could blog about what I cook. I was doing that for a bit, but I haven't posted anything food related in quite a long time. As I have started to read Homesick Texan's blog, I realized that I too could write about what I eat and why.

Now that I am beyond the initial frenzy and fatigue that being a new mom entails, I have begun to really cook again. For me, food isn't just a source of nutrients. Food is a language. In fact, the only conversations that my parents and I can engage in without fear of conflict revolve around food.

My mom tells me what she bought on sale and where, how much she paid, how she prepared it, and what she did with the left overs. (There are always left overs.) When she comes to my house, I hand her my newest cook book for her to peruse. She'll call out recipe titles that she finds "interesting."

My father also tells me about the food he's been having lately. He's more of a restaurant patron these days. So he'll tell me about the Chinese "joint" that just opened up, the microbrewery that he wants to take my husband to, the only decent Mexican food they can find, etc. Everything has to be pretty cheap for my dad to even consider it.

I guess that's another family tie. We're all bargain shoppers. So, if we can get a bargain on food. Damn! We're all over that. And then we tell each other because there is a certain level of respect earned for finding an exceptional deal.

Lately, I've become more grounded in my roots in this way. In the recent past I'd gotten used to buying what I wanted, regardless of cost. If I wanted smoked salmon, I might not buy a ton of it, but the price per pound wouldn't put me off. These days, everyone is more cost conscious. In these leaner times, I am grateful to my parents for giving me the chops to buy and use what's on sale.

I'll start with my first recipe post tomorrow.

Happy Holidays!

2008-11-11T21:07:00.001-08:00

President-Elect Obama

One week ago, the world watched with rapt anticipation. Electoral votes grew to landslide proportions. Barack Obama is kicking Bush out of the white house.

The following morning, my family took a walk through our neighborhood. It seemed that everyone was riding on a high. The nation is euphoric.

Already there is news about what Mr. Obama will do when he takes his seat in the Oval Office. He is working with his VP to evaluate every person appointed to a job by the Bush administration. Change is a-coming, and none too soon.

2008-09-30T21:58:00.000-07:00

Some Blogger I Am!

My last entry was about three months ago. My darling son is growing so quickly! He's been keeping us on our toes. We just sent out an update with photos to folks. He turned three months old on September 26th. Wow. Time really does move at lightening speed when you watch a baby grow.

I'm really fortunate to have a lot of mom-friends. I remember Redhead Momma telling me that she wishes that she could just hold her kids as babies one more time. As I held him as a screaming infant, I remembered that and felt zen in the moment even as it was happening. I'm not trying to imply that he doesn't scream his little head off at times, but these are rare and are generally foreseeable. (OOPS! He hasn't eaten in 2.5 hours and he's been making loud sucking noises as he tried to eat his own fist.) We're all settling in to a nice family routine.

I know now that he will wake up at about 8:30am. He will then be awake for about 2 - 2.5 hours. Nap by 11am. Nap again at 2:00pm. Nap again at 4:00pm. Micro-nap at 6/6:30pm. Sleepy head yawns start at about 7:00 - 7:30pm, depending on the duration of the previously mentioned naps and the amount of activity he's seen that day. Asleep by 9:00pm. This is moving forward. When he was 3 weeks old, it was 9:30pm. Now it's more like 8:00pm. He wakes to eat every 2 - 3 hours, with the duration getting longer as he sleeps. Then, starting at 6:00am, the time between feedings quickens as his body prepares to wake. That's our day. Repeat for tomorrow.

Personally, I'm doing really well. I've lost 30 pounds of pregnancy weight. People feel free to ask me how much I gained with him. The [rude] question is nebulous. I was on a crazy diet prior to my wedding, AKA his conception. See prior posts to understand the severity of the restrictions. I'll summarize as: absolutely no sugar, or anything that turns into sugar in the body, such as starches, alcohol, fruit, etc. So, I'd lost between 20 - 25 pounds prior to my wedding. I then gained weight quickly when I was pregnant. I believe that this was more of my body equalizing back to my "normal" weight rather than the pregnancy weight kicking in. Regardless, if you put me on a scale on my wedding day and then measured me on the day I gave birth, there was about a 50 pound differential. So, I've lost 30 pounds of it. I was hopeful that it would keep dropping off as I continue to nurse him, but even nursing mothers need to exercise to get the weight off, or so it seems to me anyhow. Or maybe not? Maybe I'm just hoping to lost 10 more pounds the "easy" way.

I hope that the above paragraph doesn't lead you to believe that I am stagnant and reluctant to move my body. Actually, I've been doing an easy yoga routine in the mornings to wake my body up and get myself limber enough to start a "real" yoga practice again. I've also been walking a fair amount. We regularly walk in our neighborhood. Last week I walked about 2.5 miles just to pick up a ream of paper from the office supply store. I could have driven, but it was a great excuse to get out of the house and stretch my legs.

Baby loves our walks too. He's a tree hugger for sure. He cranes his neck to see the tops of the trees that we walk under. He hasn't yet noticed the geese, the squirrels, or the butterflies that I've tried to show him. He's not far from that, however. He's curious and observant. I'm sure we'll have made those introductions in the next two months.

I'm going to log off very soon as I've been working tirelessly (though I'm tired!) on tax preparation. As Redhead knows, I've had a lot to do in this regard. I'm happy to say that I am 3/4 of the way done. The last bit will be easy. I expect to be done by the end of this week. I can't believe that this project is almost off the list. It's been looming for what feels like an eternity. I think now's a good time to list some of the things that I'll do with the free mind-space that I will create when I can archive these records:

Organize my filing cabinet (I know, sexy)
Import photos into Aperture and begin working with them
Project 1) Flower macros
Project 2) Greece
Project 3) Laos/Thailand
Project 4) Japan
Hang pictures around the house
Start doing yoga several times a week (again)
Start a scrapbook for baby (Thanks for the links RHM! They are awesome!)
Cook!

I feel like I'll have more time, not just head-space. This is because in the effort to avoid doing what needed to be done (taxes) I would squander time doing pointless things like playing mah-johng or solitaire on my computer or phone. Now that I am working on the biggest of the TO DOs, I feel like I can tackle the rest of them almost without effort.

Thanks to RHM for inspiring me. I knew that this needed to be done, but as I read about your "home work" and your struggle to finally get to the end, I was inspired to find that day for myself as well...the day when you can go to bed and rest easy because you've done the biggest thing that has had your attention for months and is suddenly a non-issue.

Wish me luck. I'm hoping to finish by end-of-day Friday.

M

2008-07-14T12:47:00.000-07:00

2 Week Well-Visit with Pediatrician

We took Tristan in for his first doctor's visit.

My son is 2 weeks, 4 days old. When he was born he weighed 7 pounds, 14 ounces. Today he weighed in at 9 pounds, 13 ounces. That's right. He's gained almost 2 pounds in 2 weeks. He's also 2 inches longer than he was born.

I'd intended to write more than this, but caring for baby took priority. So, I'm posting as is... More later.

2008-07-13T11:14:00.000-07:00

Me Time

A couple of days ago my husband surprised me by suggesting that the next day, if Tristan was asleep at the same time, that he could take him out for a walk or stay home with him while I went out so that I could have some time alone. I asked him, "Did your book suggest that?" Yes, it did. We still haven't made the break that sees me without another person around. When we've tried to run a quick errand (to Whole Foods, three blocks away) or started a walk (we got four blocks that time) baby's belly seems to realize it's vast hunger and he starts to fidget and cry for food.

In case there is any question, I did feed him prior to these outings and we checked his diaper as well. The deal is, he eats hourly sometimes, and you just never know when he's going to be ok for a 2 - 3 hours, or when a cluster feeding is mid-swing.

So far, I've been reluctant to let baby out of my site for this reason. I know that I could pump and send Dad off with a bottle, but I'm really committed to breast feeding and multiple sources have stated that to avoid nipple confusion, you need to keep bottles and pacifiers out of baby's mouth for a minimum of 3 weeks, but ideally 4 - 6 weeks. This doesn't seem like a big deal to me, so I'm going with it.

What this means is that in the 2.5 weeks since my son was born, I've only left the house 4 times. 1) Follow-up doctor's appointment 2) Trip to the Elephant Pharmacy to get diapers, etc. 3) Failed trip to Whole Foods 4) Failed walk around the Lake Merritt

Oddly, I'm not cagey yet. In my marriage, I am the, "Let's go do something" force. My husband is the, "It's so nice at home" energy. Since the baby was born, he's been happy to run errands (formerly a source of frustration and angst for him) and I've been happy to be at home.

New parents are bombarded by the message, "Your life is never going to be the same again." I'd like to say that the root is deeper than that. I may never be the same again. As I sit here contemplating that, I wonder what it is I want to be in this new life. I've been looking for big changes for a long time. Now that I've moved into this future, I want to know what is next. (How typical of an Aries woman.)

I have been off work now for nearly six weeks. In this time, I've been able to observe my husband while he works at home. He's so good at maintaining a balance in what he does. He works out. He cooks. He cleans. He talks with friends & family. He surfs the internet. He takes walks. He goes grocery shopping. He does laundry. He fixes things around the house. And he puts out new leads for work.

I have done much less. When I was more mobile, pre-labor, I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, surfed the internet, and prepared for baby. Now I feel like I do even less. Now I sort laundry, cook sometimes, surf the internet, read, & nurse my son A LOT.

I know that this time is temporary. I know that I will get back into my own stride. I know that I will start to "live" again. But I feel like I must make some decisions about direction. I don't want to look back at myself in 10 years and realize that I've done a kick-ass job at raising my son, but haven't done anything that feeds my creative spirit.

Time to check on baby...

2008-07-01T23:48:00.000-07:00

Family and Friends,

Greetings and salutations! We know you've all been ravenous for baby information and it's definitely time to satiate your appetites.

First things first: Tristan Stewart was born on June 26 at 5:22 a.m. after 32 hours of labor (we checked into the hospital on Tuesday June 24). M had to be induced and the labor was very hard, to say the least. Thankfully Tristan was born in good health, if just a little stressed from the ordeal. He was pink, squirming and screaming like a good boy.

We were finally released from the hospital on Friday and we've been home ever since. Maddie is very tired, but recovering with surprising speed and vigor. Tristan is eating like a champ and catching vast, wonderful three-hour chunks of sleep. His mood has improved greatly since leaving the hospital—no doubt he was a little traumatized by all the poking, prodding, stethoscopes and lab coats. I know we were.

We're going to lay low for a few weeks while M recovers, but we'd love to have small groups of visitors. Tristan can't wait to meet all our friends and family. We'll be in touch to arrange hang-outs, cooing and cuddling.

Talk soon!

Love,

D & M

2008-06-23T21:19:00.000-07:00

Week 41

Today marks the 9 month anniversary of my wedding. I had started to wonder if perhaps baby was waiting to hatch on this day - the 9 month anniversary of his conception. Well, labor hasn't started yet and it's nearly 10:00pm. It doesn't look like today is the day.

So, again I have to let go of my own conceptions of what his birth will be and/or when it will happen and just BE HERE NOW.

Today I went in for my second acupuncture appointment since I hit 40 weeks. My practitioner gave me a hug on the way out and declined to put me on her schedule. She doesn't think that I'll need another session. She believes that baby is on his way.

Tomorrow I go in for the non-stress test. They will be monitoring baby's movements and heartbeat, checking amniotic fluid levels, and evaluating his general well being in the womb. My acupuncturist feels confident that he is well and I agree completely. She noted that I don't have any swelling of the feet or ankles, that my pulse is strong and steady and that my body seems at ease and full of chi. She said that my pregnancy is the strongest that she has ever seen. I have to admit, except for a few bumps in the road, like indigestion, I have to agree.

After the non-stress test, I have my routine weekly prenatal appointment. The difference with this week is that my doctor will not be the attending physician. She will be working with the residents at the hospital, so she wasn't available to see me. The person that I will be meeting with will be a resident. I'm not sure if I should be concerned about this. I've heard of women who have gone into labor after a pelvic exam. I've heard of doctor's stripping membranes without consulting with the patient in advance. Even if neither of these fears is founded, I was also told that we would enter into a conversation about induction at this appointment. I would feel much more comfortable navigating this road with my doctor who is an osteopath and whom I trust. I DO NOT WANT TO BE INDUCED unless it is medically necessary for my health or the health of my baby.

So, I intend to push back tomorrow in this conversation. I won't let anyone near me with a needle or schedule a time to rupture my membranes until Friday at the earliest, and preferably on Monday - the start of Week 42. Of course, it is my hope that my acupuncturist is correct and I won't need further measures to see my labor start a natural course. If I come out of my appointments tomorrow with a date that they will induce, I will call my acupuncturist straight away and request another appointment (or two) prior to that date.

I've finally packed my bags (1 for labor, 1 for the hospital stay). I've got baby's coming home outfit in the dryer right now, so that will be in the bag by the end of the night. I have written the thank you cards for the gifts we have received to date. I've got food stocked in the kitchen. If he came tomorrow, I'd be ready. If he doesn't come tomorrow, I'll keep working toward feathering my nest...and finishing the project I mentioned before. I'm almost done. I'd better get back to that now.

2008-06-21T00:45:00.000-07:00

40 Weeks 4 Days

Still no sign of our son. I had hoped that he would come by now, but for a very silly reason. I wanted him to be a Gemini, not a Cancer. What difference does it make? In reality, none. I've always read that Aries (me) & Cancers have a harder time relating than Aries & Geminis do. So, I'm a little superstitious. Perhaps this is the first of many lessons that my little boy is here to teach me. The understanding that at best he'll be on the cusp and realistically he'll be a full on Cancer made me identify what's really important - he is.

I had been secretly hoping for his arrival today because 1) He'd be a Gemini 2) He'd have Summer Solstice as his birthday 3) He'd share his birthday with John Taylor, the bassist for Duran Duran. Oh well. June 20th is past tense. So, I move on.

Now I don't care when he comes. I just want him to come without medical induction. I didn't think that I would succumb to the folklore that is supposed to ease a kid out, but I started working to quicken the pace on the due date. My husband and I have been doing our homework: i.e. making love often. I've been walking. I went to acupuncture and had the points for labor stimulated the day after my due date. I've started using Evening Primrose Oil. We went for Indian food yesterday and I ordered one of the dishes "Medium." We went for tacos today and I ate the jalapeno carrots. (Spicy food is supposed to be a trigger.) I've even had a conversation with baby to let him know that I'm ready for him to come. I was trying to encourage him to come today since he'd have a solstice birthday and it would be cool to celebrate your birthday on the longest day of the year. Clearly, he has other plans.

In reality, he probably senses that I am not fully ready. Several weeks ago, I made a request of him. I asked him not to come until I had finished a particular project. I have not yet finished this task. I'm close, but it isn't done. Additionally, I didn't have my bag for the hospital packed. In fact, I hadn't even started to pack it until today. I also hadn't gotten a "home from the hospital" outfit for him. I know it's a short ride in the car to bring him home, but it seems like a momentous event. I really wanted to have something special to dress him in. I have second hand items that people gave me that would have worked. But none of them spoke to who my husband and I are, what our taste is. And for some reason, it felt really important to me to have his first outfit come from us. I am grateful for the clothes that we have inherited. Having them has saved us a ton of money at a time when we really need the financial assistance. And though spending $20 - $30 on an outfit that he may outgrow before he wears it twice isn't logical, it still felt important. I didn't find that outfit until today. Well, actually, I found it several days ago but my husband is frugal and couldn't understand why I felt the need to spend that money. Today he gave me the thumbs up to get the outfit & even upped it with a matching hat and a stuffed animal (also matching.)

So, if baby is sentient, which I believe he is, he intuitively knows that I haven't REALLY been ready. He knows that I am close to being completely settled and in a great place to greet him. But if he is intuitive, he knows that coming today would have seen me leaving ends untied. And really, we have a deal and I haven't finished my part of it yet. (I need to do that soon.)

I will work on my project in the cool part of tomorrow. I would be working on it now, but I have to have my feet up to help the swelling go down. I can't sit at my desk with my feet propped up and the ice bag on them the way I can on the couch. And trust me, I have Fred Flinstone feet & hands - they need help.

It was 96F today. It is supposed to be 92F tomorrow. We don't have air conditioning. We only have two fans. Furthermore, our main living space, the open living room, dining room, kitchen, have a wall of windows that absorb the afternoon to evening sun. When it's 96F out there, it's got to be 10 - 15 degrees hotter in here. Though I want to work on my project, I cannot. I have to escape this heat. Today we went and saw Kung Fu Panda because the movie theater is one of the only institutions in this area with A/C. Tomorrow we are going to a museum, because they too should have a system to combat the heat and normalize the temperature to a comfortable level.

Some people say that heat is another trigger for labor. Apparently, that's not true. Either that, or baby has amazing integrity and is keeping his promise to let me finish my work.

I love you baby.

2008-06-17T22:49:00.000-07:00

Due Date

Today I woke up and went to my prenatal appointment. Today I am full term. Today is the date the doctor projected for our baby's arrival when she confirmed our pregnancy so many months ago. At the time, it felt like a date so far away. Through the weeks since then I have learned so much about fetal development, prenatal health & nutrition, comfort measures, and labor & delivery.

All the research I've done has been fascinating. But what's most memorable is the visceral feeling of bonding with an unborn being. I've never met my son, but I already know a little about him. I know that he gets cranky and squirms when he's hungry. I know that he opens and closes his fists in contentment when he's well-fed. I know that he is comforted by his father's voice & touch. I know that he knows that we love him.

For the last few weeks, I've been aware that he could come at any time. But now that the due date has come and is about to go, this reality becomes that much more punctuated. Each day that passes raises the probability of the following day's delivery.

So, here I sit, making an entry in a quiet home, writing at my leisure and for my own enjoyment with the vivid understanding that this life I live now is fleeting and will soon shift to a similar but alternate reality. Though I am looking forward to holding my baby in my arms and seeing his face for the first time, I am enjoying these final moments of personal freedom and minimal distraction.

2008-05-22T22:59:00.001-07:00

It Takes a Village

Since I've been pregnant, I have heard an expression used several times in regard to child rearing: "It takes a village..." Conceptually, I understood this from the get-go. I'm sure as I walk my path into motherhood that I will grok this even more. As I approach the portal of change that childbirth is, I am reveling in the truth of this statement. So many people have contributed so much to my experience already: The mothers I have looked to for guidance on equipment and experience; the families that have passed gear and clothing to us to lessen the need for us to spend a mint on transitional items that are only needed for a short time; the co-workers, family, and friends who brought baby gifts to my shower; the women I am meeting in my community who I will grow to be friends with as we share this experience of having infants and toddlers together. I look around my house and see so much that was a gift for our coming baby. It is touching me deeply to know that so many people are caring for us as a young family.

I think that this is an especially valuable lesson for me because I have tended to be a very independent and self-reliant person since childhood. I tend to find myself caring for not only my own needs, but for the needs of others as well. Accepting people's help hasn't come naturally to me. It is something that I reluctantly accept when I am in dire straights and am fully aware that I am too sick or too needy to continue on without aid.

So, this is a lesson from the universe about accepting the generosity of others. Meanwhile, I am working to release the former habit of clutching to possessions. I came to realize during this move that I had carted some things around with me for more than a decade. How does someone have the same incense for 15 years and not finish it and not get rid of it? How does someone move an empty picture frame that they never liked in the first place from house-to-house-to-house. In total, this frame saw the inside of at least five houses but it was never used. These are just a couple of examples of things that I finally recognized myself clinging to for no good reason. Upon self-examination, I believe that the root of this was because of an underlying fear that I would not be able to replace these things if I let them go. I have accumulated a mass of things, and there is some feeling of security in knowing that I have them around me, just in case I fail in the future and am unable to right my footing and hold my ground.

As I write this, it seems irrational. I guess that I should admit that it is irrational, but it is also past tense. I vowed not to move that incense again. And that photo frame is already at Good Will. Additionally, I have gone through my toiletries and rid myself of the toothbrushes I collected from the guest houses in Japan (in case we had a guest and they needed a toothbrush) and the hotel size shampoos that I retained from Greece, Hawaii, and Thailand. I found a women's homeless shelter and delivered these items in a large shopping bag. Someone will enjoy them. In fact, someone may be grateful for them. And I am grateful to have them gone.

It's been a long time since I've had that feeling of lightness that comes from helping other people. I realized that I used to feel like that a lot; I used to perform many random acts of kindness to help ease the suffering in the world. As I near motherhood and I feel less inclined to donate money to organizations because our income is shrinking even as our family budgeting needs increase, I am happy to remember that I can give of myself in other ways and reap the rewards of knowing that I've genuinely made someone's day.

2008-04-27T23:01:00.001-07:00

My Husband Rocks

Tonight he cut & filed my toe nails for me because I can't do it myself. (33 weeks pregnant.) I am so grateful for him.

2008-04-27T22:43:00.000-07:00

Preparing for the Move

It's been a busy weekend. We are moving next weekend, and have taken on the job of painting our new abode in the meantime. My husband has finished painting the living room. It looks great. I'm a little concerned about the short timeline for him to finish the rest of the house. It took about 2 full days of work to do the living room. He has 2 bedrooms & the hallway left to start & complete by Sunday. Though I am supportive of his efforts, it's really hard not to prod him forward. He has a tendency to get stuck on the little details - the touch-up work from one room instead of the primer for the next. I love this about him. I am concerned, however, that he won't have time to do the rest of the job. In fact, I can be honest here and say that I can't imagine how he's going to do it. I don't think it's possible. If he had people scheduled to help him each day this week, I think that it could work out. But since he has only one person lined up for 4pm tomorrow - and his Dad's scheduled to come over for dinner at about 6pm...

So, I am packing up the house to free his time up for him to do paying work and for him to eradicate the brown that currently pervades the walls of our new home. (Who would paint shady bedrooms dark brown?) This is a bit harder than it may seem on the surface. I am 33 weeks pregnant as of tomorrow. I could be giving birth in as little as 5 weeks. My belly is now an obstacle that I move around when bending over. And my energy level isn't what it once was. I can't lift boxes once they are packed, so I have to hop-scotch around the house leaving a parcel here-and-there as I go, until D is able to move them for me. I'm making progress, but it feels slow. I just paused a moment to count how many boxes I've packed today. SEVEN. Though I wish it were more, the truth is that I couldn't have done more.

Today I:
Woke up
Made breakfast
Called the moving company re: details of the move
Groomed myself
Walked to the grocery store
Bought supplies for deviled eggs, as well as a few necessities pre-move
Walked home - carrying above groceries
Cleaned the kitchen
Boiled eggs for deviled eggs
Left them to cool in an ice bath
Walked to the children's clothing store down the street to get a last minute addition to our baby shower gift
Walked home
Wrapped baby shower gift
Coiffed myself
Went to baby shower
Came home with about 20 boxes - the hosts of the shower just moved
Packed 7 boxes
Made dinner
Ate dinner
Cleaned the kitchen
Blogging

2008-04-24T16:45:00.000-07:00

I've got 8 weeks and I still have a ton on my list too.

In Process - Make arrangements for maternity leave with my clients
DONE! - Finalize the registry
DONE! - Choose music to put on the shower favor music CD
Go to my shower
Buy whatever is left after the shower
DONE! - Find a bigger apartment (we live in a 1 bedroom)
DONE! - Pick paint colors
DONE! - Prep rooms to paint
In Process - Pack
Move
Unpack
Nest
DONE! - Buy car seat
Install car seat
In Process - Make a packing list for the hospital
Wash baby clothes/blankets (NOTE - an experienced mom told me not to wash everything you get. You might not use it all and if the tags are attached you can exchange the clothes for something you'll use.)
Pack for the hospital
DONE! - Go to second "Preparing for Child Birth Class"
Go to Breast Feeding class
In Process - Read Nursing Mother's Companion
Go to "Caring for a Newborn" class
DONE! - Do kick counts per doctor's request (Doctor excused me from continuing since my kid is off the charts!)
Watch video - Happiest Baby on the Block
DONE! - Watch video from my doula - What Babies Want
Second meeting with doula
Third meeting with doula
Get my hair done
Get a pedicure (I still can't see my toes and I have ingrowns)
Do KEGELS
Send thank you cards for gifts from shower
Pre-order birth announcements
Address envelopes for birth announcements (they pre-send them with order)
Buy nursing bras
Buy menstrual pads
Go on pediatric department tour
Pre-register with the hospital
Ongoing! - Make love with my husband
Ongoing! - Sleep as much as possible
Increase life insurance policy for my husband and myself
Designate a guardian for baby in case something happens to us both
In Process - Socialize with my girlfriends one-on-one (I've seen: Candy, Liz, Andrea, talked with my sister, Heather, & Courntey)
In Process - Finish covering the dining room chairs (we've done 2 of 3)

2008-04-17T22:17:00.001-07:00

Who are You?

Hit forward and place an X by all the things you've done and
remove the X From the ones you have not. Answer the 30
questions at the end and send it to your friends (including
me). This is for your entire life!

(x) Gone on a blind date

(x) Skipped school

(x) Watched someone die

(x) Been to Canada

(x) Been to Mexico

( ) Been to Florida

(x) Been on a plane

(x) Been lost

(x) Been on the opposite side of the country

( ) Gone to Washington , DC

(x) Swam in the ocean

(x) Cried yourself to sleep

( ) Played cops and robbers

( ) Recently colored with crayons

(x) Sang Karaoke

(x) Paid for a meal with coins only

(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't ...hahahha!

(x) Made prank phone calls

(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose

(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue

(x) Danced in the rain....well, played in the rain

( ) Written a letter to Santa

( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe

(x) Watched the sunrise with someone you care about

(x) Blown bubbles

(x) Gone ice-skating

(x) Been skinny dipping outdoors

(x) Gone to the movies

1. Any nickname? Maddie, Maddy, many others...

2. Mother's name: Judith

3. Favorite drink? Pregnant = limeaid, Normally = mojito

5. Body Piercings? Ear lobes, left ear cuff, belly button

6. How much do you love your job? Bookkeeping? Are you kidding?

7. Birthplace? Long Beach, CA

8. Favorite vacation spot? Crete

9. Ever been to Africa? Nope

10. Ever eaten cookies for dinner? Not that I can remember

11. Ever been on TV? Yes, a couple of times. Once with Jamba Juice serving smoothies to Oprah's audience. The daily spots showed me looking like a smoothie-wench. Second time was on an info-mercial for skin care with Kathy Lee Gifford.

12. Ever steal any traffic signs? I was an accomplice. I never kept one.

13. Ever been in a car accident? Yes, more than one. I wasn't generally driving in them though.

14. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 4

15. Favorite salad dressing? It depends on the salad. I like to make my own...

16. Favorite pie? Lemon merigne (I've been craving it for months. Dustin's planning on making one for me - such a good guy!)

17. Favorite number? 9

18. Favorite movie? The Ghost & Mr. Chicken

19. Favorite holiday? All of them now that I'll have a little boy to share them with.

20. Favorite dessert? GOOD pie - not Safeway pie - GOOD pie. Cherry, apple, strawberry rhubarb, blueberry, peach...make it into a pie and I'll love it.

21. Favorite food? I'm pregnant! It depends on the day.

22. Favorite day of the week? Sunday

23. Favorite brand of body wash? I like hand-milled soaps in yummy scents.

24. Favorite toothpaste? Anti-plaque Crest...especially when used with our electric toothbrush. CLEAN!

25. Favorite smell? Cinnamon

26. What do you do to relax? Photograph flowers.

27. How do you see yourself in 10 years? Good question. I'd like to be a home owner. It's hard to imagine 10 years from now. My baby is going to be born in 2 months. I can't imagine the world without imagining him in it, but I haven't met him yet, so I'm at a loss with this question.

28. Furthest place you will send this message? So. Cal. unless someone is traveling and I don't know it.

2008-04-16T22:47:00.001-07:00

In case there is any doubt, I am the author of the following Craigslist post. See the response from someone below.

BART Rider

Reply to: pers-645287829@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-04-16, 8:23PM PDT

If you ride BART, please be mindful of those in need of a seat. I am nearly 8 months pregnant, and on my train home several people averted their eyes instead of offering me a seat. These were able-bodied people, not elderly or disabled folks. In fact, even when seats became available, people quickly nabbed them instead of offering them to the lady with a visible baby bump.

I was a little surprised that no one offered their seat. But I was even more aghast that no one on the train asked those seated to do the right thing. All it takes is one courteous person to make a significant difference to someone in need.

Thanks for reading my post.

Response received by email:

Subject:	BART Rider
Date:	Wed, 16 Apr 2008 21:47:11 -0700

Hi,

I am sorry to hear that no one let you sit down on BART today. On a positive note, though, you sound like a wonderful future mother.

Robert

2008-04-15T12:07:00.000-07:00

REVISED TO DO

I've got 9 weeks and I have a ton on my list too.

Make arrangements for maternity leave with my clients
DONE! - Finalize the registry
Choose music to put on the shower favor music CD
Go to my shower
Buy whatever is left after the shower
DONE! - Find a bigger apartment (we live in a 1 bedroom)
Pack
Move
Unpack
Nest
DONE! - Buy car seat
Install car seat
In Process - Make a packing list for the hospital
Wash baby clothes/blankets (NOTE - an experienced mom told me not to wash everything you get. You might not use it all and if the tags are attached you can exchange the clothes for something you'll use.)
Pack for the hospital
DONE! - Go to second "Preparing for Child Birth Class"
Go to Breast Feeding class
In Process - Read Nursing Mother's Companion
Go to "Caring for a Newborn" class
DONE! - Do kick counts per doctor's request (Doctor excused me from continuing since my kid is off the charts!)
Watch video - Happiest Baby on the Block
DONE! - Watch video from my doula - What Babies Want
Second meeting with doula
Third meeting with doula
Get my hair done
Get a pedicure (I can't see my toes and I have ingrowns)
Do KEGELS
Send thank you cards for gifts from shower
Pre-order birth announcements
Address envelopes for birth announcements (they pre-send them with order)
Buy nursing bras
Buy menstrual pads
Go on pediatric department tour
Pre-register with the hospital
Ongoing! - Make love with my husband
Ongoing! - Sleep as much as possible
Increase life insurance policy for my husband and myself
Designate a guardian for baby in case something happens to us both
Socialize with my girlfriends one-on-one
Finish covering the dining room chairs (we've done 1 of 3)

2008-04-08T16:24:00.000-07:00

Below is a TO DO list that I was inspired to write by a post on Cafe Mom inquiring what we have left to do before the baby comes. I was started Week 30 yesterday. Tristan could come in the next 2 to 2 1/2 months.

You wrote on Apr. 8, 2008 at 4:01 PM

I've got 10 weeks and I have a ton on my list too.

Make arrangements for maternity leave with my clients
Finalize the registry
Choose music to put on the shower favor music CD
Go to my shower
Buy whatever is left after the shower
Find a bigger apartment (we live in a 1 bedroom)
Pack
Move
Unpack
Nest
Buy car seat & install
Make a packing list for the hospital
Wash baby clothes/blankets (NOTE - an experienced mom told me not to wash everything you get. You might not use it all and if the tags are attached you can exchange the clothes for something you'll use.)
Pack for the hospital
Go to second "Preparing for Child Birth Class"
Go to Breast Feeding class
Read Nursing Mother's Companion
Go to "Caring for a Newborn" class
Do kick counts per doctor's request
Watch video - Happiest Baby on the Block
Watch video from my doula - What Babies Want
Second meeting with doula
Third meeting with doula
Get my hair done
Get a pedicure (I can't see my toes and I have ingrowns)
Do KEGELS
Send thank you cards for gifts from shower
Pre-order birth announcements
Address envelopes for birth announcements (they pre-send them with order)
Buy nursing bras
Buy menstrual pads
Go on pediatric department tour
Pre-register with the hospital
Make love with my husband
Sleep as much as possible
Increase life insurance policy for my husband and myself
Designate a guardian for baby in case something happens to us both
Socialize with my girlfriends one-on-one
Finish covering the dining room chairs (we've done 1 of 3)

2008-04-07T00:00:00.000-07:00

I wrote this the other day on my way into work.

4/4/8 10:37am

On BART, heading in to San Francisco to work a few hours at K&P. I just secured my ear phones in and started BT's This Binary Universe in an attempt to drown out the voice of a fat, old lawyer advising his client on his cell phone. (I would like to note that he was about 1/2 a car away and was talking in a manner that was almost a yell.) BT's music turns my routine into a movie as I watch the urban metropolis slide by to this soundtrack.

These moments that I walk through are fleeting. I look at my hands and I see the fingers of a strong, young woman adorned with the glitter of my wedding ring. Though I expect to look at my hand 1,000 times and recognize the symbol of our love there, the fact that our vow is so fresh and our love still blossoming into the full comfort of a seasoned marriage makes this time special. Couple that awareness with the feeling of our growing baby kicking from inside my womb makes this short time before everything changes even more sweet.

Even as I write this I am struck by the realization that my wonder will continue as our son is born, he grows to see so many firsts, we finally find and purchase our first home, and we all grow as individuals and into a close-knit, loving family. Truly, this is what I have always wanted, always been a little scared to wish for because it is so far away from my roots.

So imagine yourself here with me, riding a train, dressed up for work, watching the world moving quickly by, but feeling completely suspended in this amazing moment when I can totally feel myself in exactly the life I always wanted as a child. I feel so blessed that I have a little tear in my right eye.

I love you baby. You are the culmination of a dream coming true.

2008-04-05T23:53:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a long time. I've been growing a baby. I've also moved two offices, looked for a new place to live, worked with our accountant on filing an extension, had a major fallout with two family members, recovered from that, read a lot about baby products and childbirth, engaged a doula, and exercised.

Despite that, I've been thinking of writing for the last few days. And though I feel the need to log off and get to bed, I decided that now's the time to make an entry. If I'm going to get into the habit, I need to start.

I have recently joined a website called CafeMom. This is basically a posting forum for mothers of all description to network. I have signed on to several groups: Breastfeeding Moms; Cloth Diapering; Deals & Steals; Due in June 2008; First Time Mamas; Organic, Natural, & Simple Living; Pregnancy; Pregnancy Knowledge; and my most recent addition, Love Your Husband!

After being accepted into the 'Love Your Husband!' group I posted to the first string I saw. This is my Top 10 Reasons I Love My Husband list.

Apr. 5, 2008 at 10:38 PM
1. He's caring. When I just had a major acid reflux attack (week 29) he walked into the bathroom and rubbed my back as I heaved.

2. He's domestic. He washes the laundry while I'm at work. He cooks dinner. He takes out the trash. He vacuums. He cleans the bathroom. He makes the bed. I never have to ask him to do these things. He just does them.

3. He's disciplined. He is physically active every day. He goes to a trainer 2x a week. But he also rides his bike, runs, lifts weights, does sit ups, & yoga at home. All because he's made a schedule for himself and he keeps to it.

4. He's an entrepreneur. He is a working freelance writer who really hustles to make ends meet. His success is really inspiring to me.

5. He's supportive of me. If I have to work late, he picks me up and makes dinner. When I talk about changing jobs, he encourages me to do what I love. He's gone to every prenatal visit. And he totally participated in our "Preparing for Childbirth Class" today.

6. He loves his family. Crazy though they are, he is close with them.

7. He's funny. I don't always laugh at his jokes, but he's cracking them anyway. Right now he's singing a song, "I am the task completer. If you are a task, I'll complete you. Do-do-do-do...."

8. He's healthy. We both are. I thought I ate well before we were together. I've gotten even more into fruits & veggies since he's been around.

9. He's stylish. He has a personal style all his own & it's sexy as hell.

10. He's a nerd. He reads sci-fi and plays video games and dreams of making robots. Without these things, he wouldn't be him.

2008-01-27T21:31:00.001-08:00

I'm Going to be on the Radio!

The CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Channel) offers "The Choice" each week. This is a by request replay of previously aired shows. After listening to this week's podcast, "While You Were Out" I HAD to hear the second part of the two part series. It is a documentary discussing sleep. The host interviews specialists in the field of sleep research like clinicians, but also includes a sleep historian and an anthropologist who is traveling the globe to discover the differences in how cultures have different norms in sleeping patterns.

I think the most interesting part that resonated with me on a personal level was the fact that different people have different schedules in their internal time clocks. These patterns explain why some people rise and shine early in the morning, get to work early, and go to sleep shortly after dinner while other people stay up into the wee-hours of the morning, dragging into work or school and only get really "into" their work as the first group are winding down and trotting home. They call these two types the larks (early) and the owls (late). The larks have shorter circadian rhythms than the 24 hours that we call one day and owls internal clocks mark a day at more than 24 hours. These differences in personal rhythm is partly inherited. If you are born to 2 night owls, you are likely to have a predisposition to being an owl yourself.

So, I jumped on the computer and requested the second part of the series. The Associate Producer has already sent me a script which I can personalize prior to recording my intro for their next podcast.

I'm very excited, mostly because I am seeing an almost immediate, positive response to my request. I haven't been feeling very powerful or dynamic lately. This could be the jump start that I need to start making things happen in the way I used to. A couple of years ago, before I met my loving husband, I was a go-getter. People would comment on the fact that every time we would get together, I'd have something new and different to report about projects I was working on or connections I was following to produce a result.

I want my child to grow up observing *that* side of me. I've become complacent in my happiness. I'd rather be happy AND striving than just sitting enjoying the view.

2008-01-23T11:27:00.001-08:00

Out With the Old, In With the New

Yesterday I called Kaiser and changed my primary care OB/GYN. Though I liked this woman when I was receiving gyne care from her, I haven't been impressed with her knowledge or bedside manner during my prenatal visits.

My last visit was nearly two weeks ago. After listening to our son's heartbeat with the doppler, she turned her attention to my chart and said, "We expect people to have weight gain after the holidays. But you can't have a jump like this again." She smirked at me, assuming to know that I'd eaten too many cookies and had too much egg nog.

She did not ask me about my diet. She did not inquire about how much juice (or eggnog) I drink thought this is a source of calories that most pregnant women seem to overlook. She didn't ask if we eat out more often than cooking at home. She just assumed to know.

I was MAD. Firstly, I just lost 15 pounds from adhering to my yeast free diet (see earlier posts.) To summarize, this meant no sugar, no alcohol, no simple carbohydrates, no bread with yeast (which is almost all bread), no vinegar, no mustard, no mayonnaise, no mushrooms, no cheese. In fact, I had to limit my fruit intake - because that is also sugar. What do you eat on a diet like that? Whole grains, meat, and vegetables. What happens? You lose weight FAST.

In fact, I am hovering between 5 - 7 pounds above my pre-diet weight now, at Week 19. I would have been all-too-happy to share this fact with her if she hadn't pulled out her lance and aimed it at me. Try and find a topic more sensitive than a woman's weight. I can't believe that a trained medical professional who specializes in this work would take this approach.

Shortly after leaving her office I called my friend, Liz. She is now 8 months pregnant. Pre-pregnancy she was an avid soccer player who danced on the weekends. This woman is not fat, even at 8 months she's solid. She said that she had the same experience at the same point in pregnancy. She gained 13 pounds between Month 3 and Month 4. Then she gained 3 pounds between Month 4 and Month 5. Her OB said that THIS IS NORMAL. If her OB knows that this happens, why doesn't mine?

One more question that my OB could have asked me was, "Are you retaining water?" The answer to that by most pregnant women would be a quick, "YES." In fact, I lost 3 pounds in 2 days after that appointment. Could that be fat or muscle? No; that was water.

The odd thing is, I'm not overweight AT ALL. My friends say that I look like myself with a bigger mid-section. My legs still fit into my pants (thought I can't wear them because of the waistline.) And my face is still the same shape, not rounded. When I gain weight, it goes to my face first. My arms are thin. You can see my ribs, though I'm not gaunt. In a word, I'm healthy.

I told this story to several friends, to get their sympathy. Almost unanimously they told me to find someone else. They didn't like the idea of me putting myself into the hands of someone who was so reluctant to ask questions instead of making assumptions.

I thought back and remembered that I'd seen another OB several months ago when mine was too busy to schedule me in. I really liked that woman. She was young, sharp, and had a fantastic smile when she walked into the room. We had an immediate rapport. I found my spirits lifted by my visit with her, even though I went there with a problem.

Upon research I found that she is accepting new patients, YEAH! What I didn't know is that she is an osteopath (DO.) I like the fact that her focus is on wellness and that she knows about natural cures as well as western medical practices and prescriptions. I'm actually excited to go to my first appointment with her.

I'll check back in once that happens - if not before.

2008-01-05T10:40:00.001-08:00

Family & Friends
Holidays 2007

It's raining here and I'm listening to Herbie Hancock's take on Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now." It's a mellow, melancholy piano instrumental with some light bass and a touch of sax. It's a perfect soundtrack to this gray, cold day.

My husband and I returned from our long road trip north on Thursday night. We drove from Berkeley, CA to Bend, OR. This was our first experience driving in snow pack and on ice. We had chains but neither of us had ever put them on before. (One of the benefits of residing in California over a lifetime.) I remembered watching the bus and van drivers laying the chains out and driving onto them as the first step of installation. My husband was reluctant to try that as the [inept] directions said nothing about such methodology. Fortunately, we found a man who I named "ice angel" who installed the chains for us. We were lucky to have found him. Though the highway was well maintained by snow plows, the off ramp and street that D made a wrong turn onto were not. There was ice and snow pack that would have prevented us from making it onto the freeway had we not be equipped with that metal traction.

We made it to Bend safely. It took us about 10 hours. You can't drive more than 35 mph with snow chains, it would have been impossible to cut down our driving time.

I think I need to make a separate entry about Bend. I tend to spew when it comes to discussions about my father. Though I have bridged the gap that saw us in radio silence for 10 years, this trip reminded me that he hasn't changed. There are so many instances of wrong-doing on his part, the pain in me runs deep and my anger is close to the surface when I think or talk about it. One of the main reasons I didn't speak to him for so long was that I considered it an act of self preservation. It was easier for me to live a peaceful existence and love myself and recognize the beauty in life when he wasn't even a peripheral part of it. I know that our trip north made both my father and my step-mom very happy. We brought the spirit of Christmas with us. We got a beautiful tree, we made Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner, we brought homemade Christmas cookies and gifts. But this will be the last time we spend the holidays with them. It was a depressing experience for both my husband and me. My father's flippant remarks and incessant demands took the joy out of the things we did. And once we'd finished decorating the tree, making dinner and cleaning up, and opening presents, we had nothing to do there. My parents went to bed most of the day and early each night and my husband and I sat around on our computers (without internet access - ugh) playing video games for lack of anything else to do. I did read as well, but I didn't want to devour my book too quickly. I'd forgotten my journal and didn't savor the prospect of having nothing to read as well as no place to document my feelings and thoughts.

We stayed in Bend, sleeping each night in an uncomfortably short bed in a room that smelled of smoke, mold, and dogs. After four nights, it was time to depart. We packed up our things (which now also smelled like smoke, mold, and dogs!) and made the drive from Bend to Portland, OR. In case you aren't familiar with Oregon's geography, this requires climbing Mt. Hood. Unfortunately for us, it started to snow in Bend just as we were finished packing the car. This translated to snow flurries on the mountain. Fortunately, by this time, we were experienced installing chains and the process went much more smoothly, even in the dark. We pulled into a gas station, the only thing for miles. The snow was piled a foot deep everywhere except under the awning. There was a truck parked out front that was almost unidentifiable for the thick white cover that obscured its shape. We went inside to use the facilities and grab some hot cocoa, and on we went. The Edgefield was the light at the end of our tunnel. When we arrived at the hotel, we were assigned to a large, corner room with a king-sized bed. We dropped our things and went for dinner. (By this time is was 8pm and we were very hungry.) We shared a tasty dinner made from sustainably farmed meats and vegetables and tucked in early for the night.

In an episode of "Hard Core History" discussing The Great Depression, the host makes the assertion that people are imbued with better spirit as a result of having experienced poverty and privation. I share his beliefs. I come from a "hard" childhood and feel stronger for it.

Though we didn't listen to this episode until the final leg of our trip home, I was appreciating the message in that big bed. Having to sleep with my legs curled (my poor husband is even taller than I) for four nights made me appreciative of that spacious bed in a way that I wouldn't have had I come from my own bed. It represented a level of comfort that we had become unaccustomed to and I relished that night's sleep that much more for not having woken up hitting my feet or my head on foot or head board even once in the night.

The ride from Portland to Seattle was beautiful and easy. The landscape is punctuated with gnarly trees crowned with bird's nests, rolling green hills, and cows and horses grazing. It's a very different scene than you see in California, which is mostly golden in the open areas that remain.

I'm sorry to blog a partial entry, but my pregnant belly demands food NOW. Since I don't blog with frequency, I'm concerned that if I don't publish this now, that I may not pick it back up and that this time will have been wasted. So, there you go - Episode 1.

Happy New Year!

M

2007-12-12T20:46:00.000-08:00

That last post was a bummer. It doesn't speak to the wonder that I feel as I walk through my days. It doesn't really reflect my inner climate of faith and hope for the future. It isn't what I really want to focus on. My way of living is unusual to many. I believe in visions of the future and my ability to make things happen by wishing for them.

My husband is a freelance writer. He interviews high profile creators, singers, producers, animators, film makers, and the like. He talks to them about their latest projects and learns how they use cutting edge technology to make their visions a reality that they share with the general public.

Several months ago when I was feeling less solid in my conviction that I can make things happen and felt more aimless than focused in my career and my life path he said something I will never forget. He said that I am like all the ultra successful people that he talks to every day.

I am not a follower, I am a visionary and a leader.

I am an artist.

I reflect the beauty of the world.

I am at a huge cross roads in life now. I am newly married (3 months on December 23rd). I am pregnant (expecting mid-June 2008.) I am finally taking steps to walk away from the bookkeeping business that I started seven years ago, with the intention of doing it only part time so that I could write, sing, and write music.

I'm at this point where I can't help but ask, "What's next." I know - motherhood. But I know that there is something more in my life calling me forward as well. This may be school. It may a new part-time endeavor that I enjoy more than logging numbers, I'm just not sure.

I don't know how to find the answer to this question. I just know that I will figure it out, or I'll start taking steps in one direction to find out if that is in fact what I want.

WHAT I WANT

I want to help people.
I want to propagate beauty in the world.
I want work to be an act of love.
I want to nurture goodness in the world.
I want to learn.
I want to grow.
I want to travel.
I want to explore.
I want to laugh.
I want to share.

2007-12-11T22:35:00.000-08:00

The Good, the Bad & the Ugly

It's almost the end of the year. For many people this means the celebration of holidays: either the spirit of Christmas or observance of the high holy days, Hanukkah. Retailers and charities both hope that people are feeling generous this year. Children are making popcorn strings and gingerbread houses. Martha Stewart is baking cookies to give to people in elaborate packaging.

For a bookkeeper, the end of the year means exactly that: the end of the fiscal year. People are starting to think about taxes. Sole proprietors are asking what they made and what their deductions are so that they can inform tax advisors and allocate enough to their IRAs.

I haven't bought a Christmas gift or lit a candle, but I'm in the spirit - the spirit of taxes.

Today D began asking questions about our tax situation. Being the resident expert, research is my job. I spend most of my time regarding finance working to save people money by allocating expenditures in adventageous ways. I rarely look at tax tables. It's depressing.

If you are in the middle class, defined here as "Married Filing Jointly, with a combined taxable income of $63,700 to $128, 500 in 2007," you will be paying the Fed's $8,772.50 plus 25% of the amount over $63,700. To simplify: if you have two people earning $100K total, they would pay $15,172.50 in federal taxes (after the personal deduction of $10,700.) When I write it in terms of percentages, 15% doesn't seem like *that* much.

I realize that to someone outside California, $100K could sound like a lot of money. In this area, you can't even think of owning a home making that much or more. Condo's are nearly half a million dollars...and that's in Oakland, not San Francisco. Rentals are expensive, even prohibitive as well.

As this baby grows in my belly, we talk about the future and we both want to start building equity by paying a mortgage instead of rent. But even with a large down payment that would clear out D's inheritance and our savings, we'd be paying almost $1,000 more a month to own a small, modest home in a middle-class neighborhood. I say that, and our rent isn't cheap. We could pay a mortgage almost anywhere else in the country for what we pay each month for one bedroom w/o a dishwasher, garbage disposal, laundry, or parking.

So why don't you move? That's a logical question. We talk about it. But we both have family here. And though our drive to own is strong, we feel that it's important for our child to know its family (crazy though they may be.) We are considering a move to Seattle. But we're both complaining about the cold here now. It's been 53F during the day and 33F at night. In Seattle the high is 41F with the same low. We are going to go check it out and see how we do. There are good friends that compel us to consider it more seriously than we might otherwise, but the family consistently pulls our conversation back.

Is it realistic to believe that with a new president that the middle class might be able to start bridging the divide that continues to widen between us and the upper class? How is a new family supposed to buy a house, save for college, save for retirement, eat healthy food, have money for their kids extra-circular activities like sports or music lessons, pay for medical insurance, pay taxes AND have money in the bank? How is a family where one parent loses a job supposed to cope with that loss? These days, one income can be devastating to a family.

All I can do is hope. I'm still hoping that Al Gore will reconsider and lead the way to a bold new future.

2007-12-01T23:51:00.000-08:00

Mort AKA Octogenarian, I have updated my blog to make it easier for you to read. I am honored to have you reading and appreciate your comments.

I am wondering if I need two separate blogs at this point. When I began this process, I didn't have a vision for what I was to create here. Now I realize that I have a duel purpose: to document my life as it happens, much in the way that I used to write in my journal and to air my views on current affairs and our political landscape.

I really only have two readers at this point (Thanks for reading Mort. You doubled my readership!) So I don't know if I have the need to write two blogs. Any suggestions? You are both much more experienced in this forum than I.

That said, I will start with the personal and move on from there.

Yesterday, Friday, D and I listened to our baby's heartbeat for the first time. As you can imagine, that was an awesome sound. I can't really explain the feeling of wonder, awe and amazement that papoose's beat-box rhythm inspired in me. It's visceral and as such, hard to pin down and discuss. Let's just go back to my initial description - awesome.

The nurse practitioner warned us as she approached me with the Doppler that we might not be able to hear anything yet. She said I'm in Week 12 as of December 1. So, it was the last day of Week 11 when she was listening. She said that they usually can't hear anything that early.

I'm confused by that as all the literature I read on the subject says that hearing a heartbeat is unlikely in Weeks 9 & 10 but by Week 11 you should have audible confirmation and by Week 12 it is a standard appointment practice to hear the baby's heart.

When she heard the sound she said she was surprised and impressed with the fact that we could hear it. After listening for a minute or so she went on to say that the heartbeat was very strong and that our baby is very healthy.

She seemed authentic in her conviction but the facts don't line up. So I'm left wondering if Kaiser's equipment is sub-standard or if, as D suggested, she was just trying to make us feel good about our baby's progress and health. I suppose it's possible that she's right, in a practical setting that they often don't hear hearts that early. Or maybe the average woman has a larger layer of fat around her belly pre-pregnancy than I did or do. Regardless, I am taking her comments in conjunction with a similar statement from my acupuncturist and am confident that our baby is the epitome of health.

I've been talking to D about reading to the belly. If he reads aloud he wants to go through Harry Potter or Shel Silverstein poetry - something "fun." I've got something more meaty in mind, like the encyclopedia.

When I was in grade school I remember watching a television program with my mom about a family of genius kids. The parents were of average intelligence, maybe slightly above average, but neither was a genius. However, each of their children were prodigies. One was graduating from an Ivy League school (maybe Harvard) when most kids would be graduating from middle school. When the scientists who were reporting on this phenomena gathered the facts, they theorized that this hyper-intelligence related to the parents reading aloud to the fetus in utero.

Ever since then, I've had it in my mind that I would read to my baby before it was born. Though I couldn't begin to theorize why an infant with a brand new brain and no language skills would be able to learn from the parents reading factual information as opposed to just talking to each other about day-to-day life, it wouldn't shock me to learn that reading helps them build the neural net and offers them an advantage when they do start attaching factual strings of information together.

Anyhow, what could it hurt? I certainly wouldn't mind learning what's in the pages of my encyclopedia. Of course, my brain is the opposite of the baby's brain right now. I can't retain much information at all. In fact, I'm acting like an air-head more often than not.

For example, I drove to the doctor's appointment yesterday. D got out of the car and purchased the parking ticket, placed it on the dashboard and locked the car.

Two hours later as we made a left turn out of the parking lot we heard an odd sound. He, smartly, suggested we go back to see what it was. I got out of the car and began to examine the pavement around where we made the turn in question. D looked on the roof. In one hand he held my cell phone, which is wrapped in a silicon non-slip sleeve. In the other hand he had my keys (the noise-making culprit.)

Retracing my steps I realize that when I got out of the car I opened the back door, put on my coat and put the two of my most important personal items on the roof and then promptly walked away. Duh. I need to get a compartmentalized handbag so that it is evident when things go missing. The cavernous purse I tote now is like a magical bag where things disappear even after I've just had them.

I could say that this is an isolated incident and fool myself (and you) into believing that my mistake was caused by an urgency to get to my doctor's appointment on time. But I have evidence that I am suffering, "Baby Brain." On Thursday I went to a taco shop for lunch. I ordered and paid for my burrito. When they called my number I got up and approached the counter. Somehow I walked out the door without my lunch! I got two steps out and realized that I had everything except what I went in for. So, I have to admit it. The rumors are true. Pregnant women get ditzy.

Having ranted about this I think I'll put off writing about current affairs until tomorrow. I do have something in mind, so I will return to post promptly. In the meantime, enjoy the crispness of the season.

2007-11-27T00:04:00.000-08:00

Global Warming Commentary

As D and I drove home from Fairfield this evening we listened to "Quirks & Quarks" a podcast offered by CBC Radio. The show is a weekly news program dedicated to the latest discoveries in science, technology, medicine and the environment. The host interviews experts to discuss the findings in layman's terms.

Tonight we were listening to the podcast dated October 27, 2007. There was a segment on CO2 acceleration. The scientist interviewed sits on the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. He discussed the severity of global warming, which is worse than any prediction models used in 2000. He isolated several reasons why global warming is worse. The most interesting to me was that in the global economy we are using more carbon per dollar earned than ever before. Prior to 2000, we had been on a downward trend where each dollar earned was using less carbon than prior years. The correlation to the start of George W. Bush in office seems clear. It has been obvious for years, as he undermined the Kyoto Protocol, and worked to open up previously protected land to logging and oil rigs, that he is a consumer and not a conservationist. I stopped to wonder at the quatifiable evidence that has surfaced to illustrate the damage done while he has been President.

Today the American Nobel Prize winners went to the White House to be photographed with the President, as is the custom every year. Of course, Al Gore won a Nobel Peace Prize for his work on climate change, so he was in attendance. It was the first time that these men have met since Bush stole the office from Gore. Mr. Gore sat in the Oval Office, behind closed doors for 40 minutes with Bush today. They report to have talked about climate change through the entire duration. I can't even imagine what was said. I hope that Mr. Gore felt somehow triumphant through the course of their conversation.

Please Al Gore! PLEASE RUN AGAIN! We desperately need an environmentalist diplomat with a global perspective who is seasoned with good experience to lead this country. The debates show that we do not have a strong candidate who possesses these skills. Hillary is a politician cut from the same school as the conservatives who run the country now. We do not need a career politician next term. We need a visionary. PLEASE RECONSIDER. WE NEED YOU.

2007-11-24T00:25:00.000-08:00

I am grateful to have an abundance of diverse foods to eat whenever I am hungry. We are blessed to have food in the refrigerator, the freezer, the pantry. And in moments where we "don't feel like cooking" we have bountiful choices for restaurants with cuisine from virtually everywhere on the globe. We are gifted to have so many choices. We eat what we feel like when we feel like it.

Conversely, there are 854 million hungry people in the world. Almost 16,000 children die of hunger-related causes every day; that's about one child dying every five seconds. There is a tendency to imagine that all of these people are in third world countries, but even in the U.S. one in ten households aren't able to satiate their basic needs. 11.7 million American children live in families that skip meals or eat less than necessary, because they aren't able to put more food on the table.

I am grateful for many things in life, but I am humbled every day when I remember southeast Asia. My trip to Laos taught me what poverty truly is. I keep that in mind when I think, "I have nothing to make for dinner." They would see a heavenly storehouse of food that could feed a family of four for several weeks. Since I made this paradigm shift, I've been able to appreciate my own creativity while eating what I've got on hand. (Like garbanzo beans or cans of indian food.)

The next time you eat, whatever you eat, be mindful and give thanks. Eating should be a right, but for many it is a privilege.

2007-11-21T23:27:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving Eve

I went to my acupuncturist today. She said that I have the strongest chi of any pregnant woman she's ever seen. That would be consistent with me being the calmest bride she'd ever seen when she evaluated me two days before the wedding.

She told me that she normally sees women in their first trimester on a weekly basis, going bi-weekly in the second trimester. She booked me four weeks out because that's how great my chi is. She said my kid is going to be strong and smart and that she won't be surprised when she sees this baby as the President of the USA in years to come.

What do you say to that?

I know that my pregnancy is progressing well. I feel healthy. Though I am tired, I know that I am strong. I haven't had any morning sickness. I am not moody. All-in-all I feel good. Some people would guess that means that I'm going to have a boy. We'll see. I think it's a girl.

I'm not the mother that is sitting here aspiring for my unborn child to rule the world. But I do hope that he or she leads an impactful life that makes the world a better place for his or her place in it. I aim to teach my baby to see the beauty in life, in ordinary, routine life. And I hope to be able to show them some of the world's wonders early to inspire him or her to go looking for more of that wonderment throughout his or her life.

I really intended to write about what I am grateful for so that the posting was up for the duration of Thanksgiving. However, I'm too tired to be able to write anymore right now. I need to be a good pregnant lady and listen to my body instead of my creative spirit.

My creative spirit is strong and getting stronger. I need to focus it and set goals for myself to ensure that I feed my soul while being a diligent and loving mother and wife.

Life is happening so quickly these days. Is it just me? Does anyone else feel the sudden change in the air?

2007-11-13T11:20:00.000-08:00

Home - Not at Work

I should be at work right now. I woke up this morning, got up and brushed my teeth. Though I'd made the giant stride to get out of bed, my body wasn't feeling up the challenge of starting the morning routine. I took my clean teeth back to bed and gave myself another hour plus to counter the fatigue that was so tightly wound into my muscles.

I woke up (this time without an alarm) and had to talk myself up. Though my body was relieved to have the extra time in bed, my rhinitis was rearing its ugly head and congestion was pressing in on me. I got up and made tea.

I'm supposed to take my iron supplement before eating, twice a day. It is a liquid, so it's not transportable for consumption pre-lunch. So, I need to take it at breakfast and dinner. That's not so easy-to-do. My stomach wants nothing but toast first thing in the morning. I started to grab for the bottle of iron in my vigilance to consume the nutrients I (and baby) need. As my hand touched the glass I could feel the bile in the back of my throat. Oh no. I'm not putting that down my throat right now. Hell no.

So, I've had toast and tea - as I do every day now.

I got an email back from my doctor telling me that the decongestant that I was interested in taking is now OTC. That's good news. But she strongly advised me to come in for an appointment to ensure that I don't have an upper respiratory infection. JEEZ. On the one hand, if I do have an upper respiratory infection - THAT SUCKS. On the other hand, at least it won't last the duration of my pregnancy like rhinitis could. So, now I'm on the fence. Do I go into the epicenter of illness to be evaluated, especially knowing that they might not do anything but prescribe rest and decongestants? Or do I wait-it-out, take OTC meds and see how I fare?

Though I often err on the side of self care rather than western medical opinions, I think in this case, an evaluation might be a good move. I've had these symptoms for nearly two weeks now. And they aren't getting better. Meanwhile, I'm feeling wiped out, as you do when you have slime pushing out of you through major orifices. (Grouse.)

RE: genetic testing that I mentioned yesterday. After posting my blog entry I found a forum on CVS by women who had the procedure. Though about half the women said that it was fine, or that it was only uncomfortable during the procedure, there were as many who said that if they would have known how much it was going to hurt that they never would have gone through it. One woman advised women to take 3 - 4 days bed rest (instead of the 24 hours that the doctors advise) because she only took the 24 hours and she was still bleeding 4 weeks later. She said that her pregnancy had been easy and uneventful prior to CVS and that the bleeding started immediately after and hadn't stopped. She'd had to go back to the doctors for evaluation because the medics were afraid that the bleeding might be an indication of a problem with her baby. Fortunately, her kid was fine.

So, I shared this with D and told him flatly that I'm not doing this procedure. I don't think that my baby has a genetic problem. And if it does, it would likely miscarry naturally before the amnio that is tentatively set on January 3. I feel better knowing that we've made this decision. And though I would like confirmation that everything is good and right with my baby, I am not willing to risk my health or the health of mini-me to get those results. We're fine. I'll just keep eating right and resting and walking and loving my husband and our baby and I believe that everything will be beautiful for all of us.

2007-11-12T10:53:00.000-08:00

Week 9

My baby is almost 1 inch long now, about the size of a grape. Hands and feet are continuing to form and her joints are able to move, though I won't be able to feel her swimming. The embryonic tail is gone and her facial features become more pronounced each day. Nipples and hair follicles are forming. Her internal reproductive organs are starting to form (ovaries or testes if it is a boy.) This information comes from the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy. Elsewhere I've read that baby girls start life with 7M eggs in their ovaries. By the time they are born that number shrinks to 2-3M eggs. And by the time she reaches maturity and begins menstruation the number has dwindled to 400,000 eggs.

Meanwhile, my body is working hard to prepare a good environment for my papoose to flower. This began with an increase in blood volume that will increase 40 - 50% above my pre-pregnancy blood volume. Most of this production occurs in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, so presumably I'm 2/3 of the way through this process. Because of this increased blood volume, my heart is working harder. In fact, pregnancy increases heart rate by up to 15 extra beats per minute. This is what causes the dizziness associated with pregnancy, as well as exhaustion in the first trimester.

The up-side of the extra blood circulating is that my skin is slightly flushed and plump. The pregnant glow is becoming noticeable. Part of this glow comes from hormones (HCG and progesterone) that increase oil production - so I could be struggling with breakouts instead of enjoying a dewy look.

Of course, things are growing too. D noticed my larger breasts within a couple of weeks of conception. And they have continued to balloon since then. My OB/GYN laughed when I asked if there will be a lull at some point in the pregnancy. "No, they will continue to grow. Once you give birth and milk production starts, they will get larger again." I started out with perky, C cups. I'm preparing myself to move up to an F cup later in the game.

This causes back aches - as does the ligament releasing hormone (Relaxin) that's already started preparing my body to throw out a bowling ball sized kid. My hips are starting to hurt and this is supposed to climax in the third trimester as they bear the weight of kidlet in addition to my larger self.

Despite all of this - I'm happy. I have this little person in there getting ready to sprout 25K neurons next week. Though I don't feel great, I don't have morning sickness to complain about. Really, my largest complaint at this point is the excess mucus production that has my head stuffed, my nose running, and my throat full of gunk each morning. This is called Pregnancy Rhinitis and can last up to two weeks after I deliver. I'm hoping that my OB can recommend something to relieve these symptoms. I can't imagine having the equivalent of a bad cold for the next seven months without some sort of decongestant. That said, I don't want to take the one medicine that Kaiser has ok'd: Sudafed with ephedrine. I find this recommendation odd as everything I read warns mothers to stay away from caffeine: stop drinking coffee, or strictly limit yourself to one cup per day because they say that it is hard on the baby's heart to beat as quickly as it would with the excess caffeine. Ephedrine is also a stimulant. So, I don't want to take that. I don't trust drug manufacturers and the FDA that they control to offer unbiased and truthful advice. So I am sniffling with a good conscience that I am doing the best for my baby. (At least until my health care provider offers me an alternate solution.)

Now D & I need to make the final decision on genetic testing (since I'm 35 and will be 36 when I give birth.) He's most comfortable with doing CVS because it is accurate clinical information. Other tests are non-invasive but offer statistics of probability instead of sampling specific genetic information for our baby. I'm a bit concerned about doing CVS because it could be painful and because it has a risk of miscarriage associated with the procedure. We still need to talk it through. But as we have to do this test between Week 10 and Week 12, our decision needs to be made very soon to get an appointment.

I'm going to go talk with him now about it. I think we're probably going to go with CVS. If so, I'll call to make the appointment today.

2007-11-09T10:40:00.000-08:00

Timeline

There have been so many changes in life since I last wrote. I have been wanting to post here to sort through them and document them on a more day-to-day basis, but circumstances have continued to compound so I'm only now able to air my thoughts here.

September 23, 2007

I married the love of my life. I'm 35 years old. I have waited a lifetime for the right guy. Within days of our dating I knew he was the one. And now, six weeks into marriage I can feel that truth growing with each day. I am so grateful to have this force of love in my life. He is a pillar of strength, a coach, a cheerleader, a cook, a housekeeper and of course, my lover.
(Photo by Jay Gregory.)

September 25 - October 11, 2007

GREECE! Our honeymoon was everything a honeymoon should be. It was the trip of a lifetime, it offered beautiful sunsets, fantastic food, friendly people, beaches of all description, and a bit of adventure.

Athens to Naxos to Santorini to Crete

At left: Santorini from the ferry as we came into port from Naxos. Photo by ME!

October 12, 2007

It's positive! We knew going into the wedding night that if we didn't use a condom that we could get pregnant. (I was exactly mid-cycle on our wedding day.) As we traveled Greece on honeymoon, my appetite grew as did my boobs. If I'd been on schedule, my period would have started on our last day in Greece, or on the flight home.

At breakfast in Berkeley, we decided to go and get a drugstore test. The test is supposed to take up to 2 minutes to give a result. My symbol was evident within seconds. We're having a baby!

October 23, 2007

My mother-in-law passed away. This was sudden and totally unexpected. The short story, because I've repeated it so many times at this point and I feel that this should be a separate post, is that she had a massive heart attack and didn't last the night. The long story is still being written as my husband and his father grieve the loss of a wonderful mother and wife.

Photo by Steve Dunphy
My mom, Judith on the left
His mom, Denise on the right

We miss you Denise!

2007-09-20T21:05:00.000-07:00

3 days...or is it 2

I am about to be married. The implications of this are starting to set in. The happiness is welling up. We smile at each other in knowing ways that have new meaning and depth. Wow.

I can't take much time right now to contemplate this further and document my inner workings on this subject - I have a wedding to prepare for - and that's a full time job.

I did want to remember this moment though...the moment when I came to fuller understanding about my own marriage and what it will be. I feel like I'm diving into a cool pool. I'm holding my breath on the shore preparing to jump. I am about ready to do a canon ball of love.

2007-09-13T21:02:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here contemplating how I will spend my time when I no longer have this wedding consuming so much of my attention. I see the bottom shelf, full of wedding books. I realize that in several weeks those books will be past tense; I will have no need for them. I will have walked through the portal door that is the aisle. I will re-emerge as a wife.

I still haven't decided whether to keep my name or to adopt a new identity as Mrs. D. Lately, I fancy the idea of keeping two of my initials - my current middle and last name. My new initials would be M.M.G.D. I'm still MG at the core but M.D. is on the outside. Somehow this seems strangely symmetrical as I look at it now.

Several people say that if I take this name that I must buy an M.G. car. I wouldn't mind. I've always wanted to have a car with the license plate M.G.'s MG . Wow. If I took this name professionally and used the car as a kind of marketing - could I write it off? (Such a bookkeeper.)

Lately I have been working toward becoming a published children's writer. When I envision my new name I often envision it on a book cover. Someday I know my new name will be published. Choosing a name feels like choosing a destiny. I am transforming my life. This engagement has been a chrysalis where I contemplate myself and the future while learning about the architecture and dynamics of this gaggle we call our (my fiance and my) family.

I think that there are some people tha would use the word families as opposed to family in the singular. But isn't this the point? That we are consummating the collective into relatives? We are Family. I just decided that we're going to have the entire family dance to We Are Family - anyone that is related to us will be on that floor.

The whole reason that I insisted on this wedding when Dustin wanted to elope, was because I wanted our wedding celebration to be a family affair. It will be a family affair.

Bride out

2007-08-23T20:07:00.001-07:00

D and I are getting married in one month. On September 23rd, I become Mrs. D.

The closer the wedding gets, the more I fall in love with him. I knew I loved him previously, but recently the reality is setting in. I'm looking at my husband. I guess previously that there was this detached understanding, this logical mind, interfering with my ability to feel the immensity or wonder that this should invoke.

For some reason the shift from "the guy I'm going to marry" just doesn't feel as fantastic as "my husband." The mind is an oddity. Our ability to transform our own sense of awe by shifting paradigms is a gift.

Redhead met my love a couple of weeks ago when she was in the area. Our circles are almost complete. We've both met almost everyone that we both care about. We're on the path to forever.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

* This is from the Engagement Photo Shoot. It's not the official Engagement Photo.

2007-08-15T21:25:00.000-07:00

Mediterranean Jelly Fish

I hope that I don't see any of these on our honeymoon in Greece.

I can't wait to get to Greece. Though I am excited about our wedding, I am almost as excited for it to be over. I know that the actual event will be worth every second of the effort we're putting into this (I include my fiance, his mom and our friends) but at this point, I'm ready...I'm ready to be married...I'm ready to stop planning and simply DO IT!

This is in part because of the things that have abruptly changed without notice - including two attendants stepping down for different personal reasons in the last two weeks. Though I wish it hadn't shaken me off balance, I have to admit, that for a time, it did. I'm still feel ahead of the curve. I've been working very hard every day to ensure that all the variables are considered and that people's needs are met. But I can't make everything work for everyone.

I'm bummed that our options for bridesmaid dresses were so limited. (We would have had to pay an extra $100 per dress to choose anything else.) I wish that it wasn't strapless. I wish it wasn't ivory. Though the dress looks good with my dress, I know that it isn't the most flattering for all the ladies who will be wearing it.

I guess this is why bridesmaid dresses have such a bad rap. It's almost impossible to find something that will compliment everyone. And it is impossible to isolate that unless you have everyone present to try the samples on and give their opinions and concerns.

What I've realized today is that, like life, weddings are just about choices. When you decide to marry someone that is the most important choice. It is followed by a bevy of other choices that help isolate personal tastes and priorities.

My hair stylist is engaged. She's done planning her wedding which will be in March in Mexico with a maximum of 12 guests. She only got engaged two months ago! She feels like she cheated and made it easy on herself by cutting the numbers and getting away. It was her choice to make it small and easy. That's not cheating, it's just different than what I've chosen.

D picked up my wedding band today. He surprised me with it at dinner. I tried it on. It's perfect with my engagement ring; they look like a set. That ring represents a compromise between my husband and me. It symbolizes the harmony achieved when both people come away feeling good about the agreement at the end of a conversation. It speaks to the balance that is give and take between a husband and wife.

Now - to become a wife!!

37 days to go...

2007-08-06T21:50:00.000-07:00

YEAST FREE

Today I visited an acupuncturist. Andrea had given me a certificate for my birthday (April 15th) but I didn't use it until today.

The session was great. As I lay on the table with needles in my pressure points, listening to the new age music that seems to be written for massage therapy and the such, I felt like I was in a state of deep meditation. I wasn't asleep but I wasn't actively thinking either. I started off thinking and observing the sensations in my body; I peeked at the needles in my arm; I felt the pulse of my heartbeat regulating.

After several minutes, I let that go. I stopped observing my body like it was a separate entity and began to relax into my unified experience. My mind stopped darting around looking for things to grasp; my nervous system coasted; my face projected this calm.

I felt rejuvenated coming out of that room.

And before I left I was given the best news I've received in months - I don't show signs of a yeast overgrowth. She explained that in people that have yeast problems that there is a filmy yellowish coating on the tongue. Mine does not have that. She looked at the supplements I've been taking (Colonix, Toxinout, Oil of Oregano, acidophilus, etc.) and said that everything I took was well chosen.

I've worked hard to get rid of the yeast...and now I have.

I'm still going to keep away from sugar because I want to be svelte on my wedding day. The dress fits now. I don't want to gain back the water weight that I lost upon quitting sugar. (I lost 8 pounds in the first 10 days of the yeast free/sugar free diet. My acupuncturist confirmed that this was water weight and not fat or muscle loss.)

I'm going to finish up with the supplements that I have been taking. I am going to maintain this diet to a lesser degree. But I can start living a normal life, stop taking so many pills & look forward to drinking champagne & eating cake at my wedding!

2007-08-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

Here Comes the Christmas Tree

The other night I started humming while I was on the computer. The first three notes that came out where definitely, "Here Comes the Bride." I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this. My wedding is at the seven weeks and counting point today. And, like many ladies in my 'condition' I'm spending all of my free time doing something wedding related. Despite all of this, I was a bit shocked by myself and I noticed (with my intuition) D looked up at me too.

Suddenly the song shifted into "O Tannenbaum" on note four. This was a subconscious movement away from singing the entire bridal march. Oddly, it worked - they are, essentially, the same song at the starting gate.

A montage of Christmas trees in a white frocks and veils being shoved down an aisle collided with images of me strutting around with an angel on my head and balls hanging from my limbs. In the end, I feel like the song's not wrong - we're the same the Christmas tree and me. We're both being trimmed for one big day after which everything goes back in the closet and you go on with life. Fortunately, I won't be doing this again next year.

2007-08-02T00:12:00.000-07:00

Bee at BART

Bathing little bee
On the Buddhist book I hold
Silent zen teacher

2007-07-30T20:12:00.000-07:00

My list - AKA Homework from Redhead

I am so glad to have this to do right now. I wrote in my journal (similar process but more private) about other emotional hot spots that I've been working through lately on my way in to work.

Though I didn't get it all out, I got a lot of it out. So, I'm on my way to the upward swing, but I'm not feeling it yet.

There's another bit that I didn't say in my last post about my physical well-being. Because of this chronic yeast infection, I've stopped taking the pill. From what I read, hormones increase the likelihood for the cycle to continue - so I quit several months ago. That means that D and I are now using condoms.

Well, twice in the last four weeks, they've slipped. And because we don't want to get pregnant just before getting married, I've taken the morning after pill each time. (I've told him that I won't ever do it again.) The hormonal surge has seen me have three complete periods in four weeks. I suspect that I'm still swimming through the wake of the last dose, which was about ten days ago. I am guessing that I'm having a mini post-partum depression, minus the stretch marks and sleepless nights.

Redhead suggested going to a naturopath. I've been thinking of going to an acupuncturist and/or Chinese medicine doctor. So, yes - we're on the same page. I have Kaiser. Though they have a lot of ads about alternative medicine, I haven't tried to capitalize on their services yet. We'll see what happens with that. I'm open to anything.

Ok, now for my homework.

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY

* Talking to good friends who know me and love me
* Walking on a warm, sunny day
* Photographing flowers & bees
* Watching smiling dogs
* Getting a massage
* Getting a manicure/pedicure (AKA the paws & claws)
* Cuddling with D
* Dancing with my friends
* Accomplishing something that has a lasting positive effect in my life or the world (like planting a tree or having a photo published)
* Doing a full 80 minutes of yoga
* Picking blackberries
* Reading Buddhist books/texts
* Listing the things that I am grateful for (and realizing how privileged I am)
* Watching fireworks
* Eating toast

The next part of my assignment is to do one of these things. I think that I am going to book a massage because it will help me with the physical issues I'm having as well as allow me to release my stress. I am also going to do yoga tomorrow - maybe not 80 minutes - before I go to work.

I love you Redhead. Thank you for being here.

2007-07-30T01:22:00.001-07:00

THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE ...

In the last two days I have had two dear friends tell me that I am not happy.

Wow. What do you say to that? I know it's true. It's upsetting that it's true. Why am I unhappy?

THE BAD
I have carpal tunnel and tennis elbow. In the last week my condition has gotten to be the worst it has been to date. Shooting pains run from my shoulder blade and jolt up my neck. I didn't know this was carpal tunnel until yesterday.

I have had a headache for the last six days straight. I've taken ibuprofen, vicadin & benadryl. Though the pain will subside for a bit, I'll wake up with it the next day. I guess that this is related to carpal tunnel too.

I've had yeast infections for nearly six months now. I might get rid of it for a few weeks (like two or three) but they come back. To counteract this I have tried using the over-the-counter creams for up to two weeks straight without success. I have been following a strict diet that prohibits sugar of any sort, yeast (read bread), cheese, alcohol, soy sauce, mushrooms, vinegar, mayo, canned tomatoes, dried fruit, and high glycemic foods.

I want to eat pie!! It's summer time. I want shortcake and strawberries. I want peach pie. I want lemon blueberry tart. I want Strawberry rhubarb gallette. I get none.

Because of this recurring yeast infection, I am feeling A-sexual. This would be hard enough in the normal day-to-day life with a partner. But I am engaged to be married in seven weeks. My fiance has been patient and understanding. He doesn't push me. But I know his sex drive and I know that I am depriving him. (We have relations maybe three times a month right now.) So, I feel bad and guilty about holding him off and am in pain half the time we go for it.

On top of this I have been getting dizzy spells for over two months. They've done an EKG and blood work and we don't have answers. The doctors don't know why I get dizzy, they just know why I don't. This is somewhat reassuring, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like something isn't right with me. It's hard not to know what my problem is.

Because of the dizziness and testing, I took a week off of work. I felt relaxed and happy, despite the testing and uncertainty because I was able to rest when I needed to rest, take the time to cook what I can eat, and focus on my health and my wedding.

Last week when I returned to work I developed the previously mentioned carpal tunnel. Even though I haven't been doing much on the computer today, the bands in my neck are tight as a violin bow. The headache is looming. My arms are sore.

Meanwhile, I'm working a job I don't love - or even like much. If I didn't have to pay for this wedding, I'd be taking the two months off that my fiance recommended three months ago.

THE GOOD
My fiance is a rock in my life. He is a wonderful man that holds my needs above his desires. He is supportive. He is encouraging. He is concerned. He is stable. He is my friend. I love him so much. I can't believe that I walked this long alone.

I have a good gig where I make my own hours and I make a good hourly wage so I don't have to work full time. Though I feel oppressed by the type of work sometimes (bookkeeping) I am grateful for this flexibility and the financial freedom it affords me.

I am grateful for my apartment. We don't own a home - yet. We live in a one bedroom apartment. This place, though we will grow out of it, is comfortable and warm. We have a warm, soft bed with nice sheets and good pillows.

I am grateful for the food in our refrigerator. Sometimes people forget how many people go hungry in the world. We have a bevy of choices in our kitchens at all times. Americans have a tendency to look through the food that we buy and see nothing because we desire something else in the moment. We declare that there is "nothing to eat". There is something to eat. In fact, it could feed a family for a couple of weeks if necessary. That's amazing. We are so gifted.

It's so late and I am tired. I have homework from Redhead to make a list of things that make me happy. I will do that. I just had to let this out first.

I want to be happy. I will be happy. Despite "THE BAD" above.

2007-05-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

Roll over Kohlrabi
Last Night's Dinner Disappointment

Kohlrabi is one thing that you can't find in wikipedia - yet. There is only mention of it in "Cuisine of Assam." I didn't know that it was a cuisine of Assam. I didn't know much, but I attempted to cook it anyway.

It is a green root vegetable. According to The New Basics Cookbook it is a peppery version of broccoli. Kohlrabi cakes were described as, "similar to potato pancakes with a bite - they're spiked with ginger & red pepper flakes." I thought that might be good! Lower glycemic index - give it a go!

I've read that most recipes that are published, aren't actually tested before publication. I have to wonder if the author ever actually tried this green, bulbous vegetable. Dustin and I decided it was more like a cross between a radish and a turnip. Experimentation does sometimes lead to disappointing meals; this was one of those.

Tonight, on the other hand, was fantastic. Recipe below (with my additions):

Oil-Roasted Haricots Verts, Potatoes, Fennel & Elephant Garlic
Serves 4

2 fennel bulbs - about 1 1/4 pounds
1 1/2 lbs small new potatoes
1 1/2 lbs blue lake greenbeans/haricots verts (thin, tender green beans)
2/3 cup olive oil
1/2 t. course (kosher) salt
1 bulb elephant garlic
freshly ground pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 425 F.
Cut the tops off the fennel & cut into quarters. Thinly slice the potatoes & the elephant garlic. Snap the ends off the beans.
Combine the fennel, potatoes & oil in a mixing bowl. Toss well. Spread the mixture (with the oil) out onto a roasting pan or baking sheet. Sprinkle with the course salt. Bake for 30 minutes.
Remove the baking sheet from the oven. Toss the beans & elephant garlic with the cooked vegetables. Bake until lightly browned - 10 to 15 minutes. Sprinkle with the pepper. Serve hot or at room temperature.

* I used blue lake beans and they were perfectly cooked at 12 minutes. I'd suggest cooking 10 minutes if you use true haricots verts.

2007-05-04T00:42:00.000-07:00

Blogging

As I read over my former posts I find the editor in me is sharpening her red pencil. (Why are creative types so self critical?) That is not the point of the blog; imparting the human experience is.

My human experience right now is fatigue, so this will be brief. I worked 8.75 billable hours, ending at 9:00pm. I did not eat breakfast. I did not have a bite (not a bite) until after 2pm when I had lunch with the firm. I did not have any snacks today and didn't have dinner until I returned home at 10pm. My diet has been working really well, but this is in part because I hadve been resting and taking mindful care of myself. But this week I fell back into the habits that created this imbalance in my body in the first place. My body is feeling the effects of my old tricks. I'm sore; I'm grumpy; I'm resentful.

I don't know why I'm not a "normal" person who just decides to pack it up when it gets late or I get hungry. I have to hit a mental wall or find a stopping point that I feel good about before I will allow myself to walk away from the bills in my box and the client invoices that need compiling.

I feel like my work ethic is a compulsion. Even now, I want to defend it. I want to make a case for the importance of the work I do and the time sensitive nature of the tasks I perform . I know that I am more important than the paper I push.

I don't want to push paper anymore. I want to create. I am a healer of the world...not a bookkeeper...even though that's what I've been...

2007-05-03T00:12:00.000-07:00

Asparagus

Today I ate lunch with Maria, a young esquire who is my nutritional antithesis. As I nibbled on my artichoke, she inquired how much of the leaf one eats. She had never eaten an artichoke before. WoW. I grew up eating artichokes. I don't know how someone could be born and raised in San Francisco, mere miles from Castroville , Artichoke Capital of the World, could have missed on eating them all her life. WoW.

As we talked I came to learn that the beets I gave her yesterday were the first beets she had ever eaten. She asked for an easy recipe. YEAH! I am so happy that I am helping someone by following this path and nourishing my body.

I asked her if she likes asparagus. She looked at me as if guessing and said, "That's the skinny, green stuff, right?" WHoA! Amazing. It never occurred to me that anyone above the age of 30 wouldn't even know what asparagus is!?! WoW.

Maria eats steak and bread for dinner. Maybe soon she'll add some broccoli or beets for good measure.

2007-05-02T00:22:00.000-07:00

30 Times

Today is Day 11 of my Candida Diet. I am acclimating well. I have lost 6 pounds. My skin looks good. My co-workers are telling me that I look healthy (in comparison to two weeks ago when they said that I looked tired and worn out.) Most importantly, I feel good...which feels GREAT! I actually get out of bed with a spring in my step now. And I've realized that I feel like myself again (i.e. happy and light hearted.)

I might be following this diet for quite a while. Most sources recommend adhering to it for four months. I'm ok with that. Honestly, it feels good to be so focused on my own health. We are eating so well!

Yesterday I came across the following from Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese monk who is also a prolific writer and peace activist:

"In Buddhist monasteries, we eat our meals in silence to make it easier to give our full attention to the food and to the other members of the community who are present. And we chew each morsel of food thoroughly, at least thirty times, to help us be truly in touch with it. Eating this way is very good for digestion.

"Before every meal, a monk or a nun recites the Five Contemplations: 'This food is the gift of the whole universe -- the earth, the sky, and much hard work. May we live in a way that is worthy of this food. May we transform our unskilful states of mind, especially that of greed. May we eat only foods that nourish us and prevent illness. May we accept this food for the realization of the way of understanding and love.

"Then we can look at the food deeply, in a way that allows it to become real. Contemplating our food before eating in mindfulness can be a real source of happiness. Every time I hold a bowl of rice, I know how fortunate I am. I know that 40,000 children die every day because of the lack of food and that many people are lonely, without friends or family."
- Living Buddha, Living Christ

I read that to D last night over dinner. I was amazed how quickly I forgot to be mindful and fell into my habit of shoveling food into my mouth. D, conversely, brought me back to the lesson again and again. He was counting as he chewed. He would mention how hard it was to chew 30 times (we were eating brown rice, kale with cannellini beans and garlic & fried chicken (no skin or breading). He brought it up three times before I was also engaged in the practice.

As I masticated I noted the marked difference between 30 times and my usual feeding frenzy. I came to understand that I don't really chew my food. I mean, I do. But I don't utilize my mouth as the digestive starting point that it truly is.

Here I am, shopping, cooking and eating with the intent and purpose of reversing the GI issues that seem to be getting worse. And somehow, it hadn't occurred to me to completely chew my food!

Simple wisdom is beautiful. I am now working to eat like a monk. I stop to admire my food and to appreciate the sources that contributed to it. Most importantly, I am mindful of how I eat, not just what I eat. For these things are all inter-related.

As the Dalai lama taught last week: There is no independence. There is only dependent origination. We are all - everything - related.

2007-04-28T22:44:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what to write about first. I logged on tonight with the intention of relating my personal experience of the candida diet at the end of week one. But as soon as I started to type, the Dalai Lama came into my mind with a vivid mental picture; it insights me to reflect on two days in his presence first.

In the last two days I have truly studied. His Holiness was teaching two ancient advanced Buddhist texts. In fact, he said that the only way to reach enlightenment is to understand these lessons. The first text (Hymn to [the Buddha] The World Transcendent by Nagarjuna) was very difficult to follow; in a word, it was heady.

As I walked out my friend Derek asked if I was ok. In fact, I was floating through the world with my head swimming through my reality as I walked. Perhaps what I was feeling was the expansion of my neural net as it quickly built branches from the small roots of my prior understanding of buddhism into the tree of knowledge that I have been nurturing.

Though the first session was like mental gymnastics (and I was a little sore from being out of shape) I was eager to return to the auditorium and continue my learning today. The second text (In Praise of Dependent Origination by Je Tsongkhapa) was so well supported by the first. I was able to follow along more easily; the understanding was becoming a reality. On my way home on BART I re-read the text. My understanding came easily; I had learned what the author meant; that's a start. As I drove home from the train station it hit me: nothing means anything.

I think that I am going to ruminate over this and work on understanding before I summarize here. But I intend to summarize here (if anyone's interested).

So - back to food!

FAVA BEANS! If you haven't had them, you should try them. They are spring bounty. I often find myself looking at recipes for favas and am bummed that fresh ones aren't to be had. But if you are reading this in the spring, then you should seriously give them a try. They're fantastic. (Many restaurants include them on their specials.)

Tonight I fell upon a heaping mound of fresh favas at Berkeley Bowl (a grocery store, not a bowling alley). I bought two pounds. Because they are relatives of the pea they need to be shelled; a pound yields much less in the finished product. If you buy a pound a person you should be properly portioned.

Now that I have favas in hand I am unearthing my recipes. Here are a couple that I am considering for tomorrow's lunch/dinner.

Fava Beans with Yogurt, Lemon & Dill
Serves 4

4 pounds fresh fava beans in their pods
2 1/2 T. extra virgin olive oil
3 scallions, including some of the greens, thinly sliced
1 t. finely grated lemon zest
1 T. fresh lemon juice
Salt & freshly milled pepper
3 T. finely chopped dill
1/3 cup yogurt, whisked until smooth

Shell the beans and peel them if they're large. Cook them in a medium skillet over medium heat in 1 T. of olive oil until they're tender, about 10 minutes, then stir in the scallions and turn off the heat. Whisk together the remaining oil, lemon zest, juice and a pinch of salt. Pour it over the beans, add most of the dill and gently mix everything together. Season with pepper. Pile the beans in a dish, drizzle with the yogurt over all and garnish with the remaining dill. Serve warm or chilled.
from Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone by Deborah Madison

Deborah Madison is a gifted cook who focuses her talent on creating flavorful, nutritious and healthy food. I would recommend this cookbook so highly. The recipes are inspiring and delicious.

Fava Bean Puree
Makes about 1 cup

2 pounds fava beans, shelled
1 1/2 T. extra-virgin olive oil
Salt & pepper
Fresh lemon juice

Bring a small pot of water to boil and salt lightly. Drop in the beans and cook until bright green, 1 or 2 minutes. Drain and rinse under cold water. Open the skin along the seam with your thumbnail and slip the beans out of their skins.
Heat the oil in a small saucepan and add the beans and a pinch each of salt & pepper. Cook over medium-low heat until tender, about 4 minutes, adding a little water to keep them moist. Tranfer to a small food processor and puree until smooth. Season with a few drops of lemon juice and salt & pepper to taste.
from Everyday Greens by Annie Somerville

Greens is a fantastic vegetarian restaurant in San Francisco. This is her second book, the first being Field of Greens. Her recipes are elegant in their simplicity. She has a true love of Champagne vinegar. When you buy this book, go straight to your gourmand/foodie supply and buy a bottle of some good champagne vinegar.

2007-04-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

For Redhead Momma

Redhead is the only person that is asking me to blog. I haven't really told anyone about this blog. But she knows - and she knows that I'd be a good blogger.

Today is Day 5 of my Yeast Free Diet. The following are my dietary restrictions as listed by Marcelle Pick, OB/GYN NP:

1. Avoid yeast–containing foods:

Beer, wine, and all other forms of alcohol
Breads, rolls, pretzels, pastries, cookies, and sweet rolls
B–complex vitamins and selenium products, unless labeled “yeast–free”
Vinegar or foods containing vinegar, such as mustard, salad dressings, pickles, barbeque sauce, mayonnaise
Commercially prepared foods such as soups, dry roasted nuts, potato chips, soy sauce, cider, natural root beer, olives, sauerkraut

2. Avoid mold–containing and mold–supporting foods:

Pickled, smoked or dried meats, fish, and poultry
Cured pork bacon
All cheese, aged or fresh
Mushrooms
Tempeh
Soy sauce, tamari, and miso
Peanuts, peanut products, and pistachios
Herbs and teas that may be moldy
Malt or foods containing malt
Canned or prepared tomatoes (fresh tomatoes are fine)

3. Avoid all concentrated sugars:

Honey, maple syrup, brown sugar
Fruit juices (canned, bottled, or frozen)
Dried fruits
All processed sugar
Anything containing high–fructose corn syrup
High glycemic index foods

What foods can you eat in a Candida diet?

All fresh vegetables — a large variety, raw or lightly steamed, is best; be sure to include dark green leafy vegetables.
Fresh protein at every meal, including beef, chicken, fish, turkey, eggs, and shellfish. Organic is best, but fresh is essential.
Complex carbohydrates, including grains (rice, buckwheat, barley, millet, couscous), whole grain oatmeal, beans (kidney, lima, red beans), and certain types of pasta (whole wheat, spelt, corn, rice). Be careful not to get too many carbs — 15 grams per meal maximum.
Unprocessed nuts and seeds, except peanuts.
Unrefined olive, sesame, safflower and corn oils (be sure to keep them in the refrigerator after opening to prevent spoiling).
Lemon juice with oil for salad dressing — this may be a prepared product, but be careful to avoid any salad dressing that contains vinegar.
Beverages such as mineral or spring water, soy milk, and unprocessed nut milks.
Limited quantities of fruit (three daily), unless you see a reaction, then limit to twice weekly. Avoid grapes, raisins, dates, prunes and figs.

Redhead told me that I was inspiring her with my ability to maintain a positive outlook despite so many restrictions. She feels like meal planning is a challenge. She asked me about my approach to this issue. (Thanks Red, I'm glad to know that I am inspiring. I think that means that I am on the right track.)

My answer is this: I know that I have to do this for my body. I know that I desperately need to take care of myself...or my symptoms will get worse. I feel this thing (yeast) inside of me and I know that I have to starve it to death by avoiding sugar. I can't complain that I have to be conscious and resolute about each thing that I put into my mouth. It's easy. I know that what goes in my mouth is really going into my body. I want my body to be stronger. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be healthy.

I have taken photos of my food choices since the start of my diet. I will post menus and photos of our gourmet "diet" food. I am impressed with the variety of foods that I can eat. I choose to focus on those. Our dinners have been amazing. I'm looking forward to sharing.

-PAUSE-

In the present moment I am looking forward to the future. Tomorrow I will sit in the presence of the H.H. Dalai Lama (with 7,000 others) . The thought of seeing him speak gives me a thrill. I am so grateful to be able to sit in his presence and absorb his peace and ponder the knowledge that he imparts. I must get ready for bed. Tomorrow I want to be well rested and ready to learn from His Holiness.

Namaste

2007-04-15T20:55:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to Me

Today I am 35 years old. I celebrated by going to a historic hotel and brunching with 12 friends. I'm glad we had that planned. I'm not good about making decisions on my birthday.

I think this stems from the long history of bad omens that occurred on this day. On the morning of my 3rd birthday as we were sitting down to Sunday brunch a stranger came to the door. He knocked and apologized for hitting our cat. That wasn't the last pet to expire on April 15th. There were many. In addition to pets dying I've had a number of disappointments related to the people that should have be celebrating with me. So I've gotten into the habit of setting my sites low and expecting the worst. Needless to say, I'm not one of those that gets excited when my day draws near; quite the opposite, I'm usually grumpy.

It's interesting to me to see the differences in people when they react to their own birthdays. Some people, like myself, are reluctant to celebrate. Others draw up a gift list weeks in advance and start their own countdown for their friends. As I ponder the paradigm difference between these two birthday orientations I have to question if this is an indicator of personality type or related to a certain demographic.

Anyhow, I ate good food with good friends and I took a photo walk through the neighborhood with my fiance. I made a wish today when I blew out the candle but really, I have the most important things covered: a partner who supports me and encourages me to grow, a group of friends who love me and remind me why I'm special, a comfortable house complete with a warm bed and soft pillows.

35 feels good.

2007-04-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am working my way through the world in much the same way as a middle school or high school student does. Though I have been successful in my career as a bookkeeper to small businesses, predominantly law firms, over the last seven years I am no longer able to continue plodding down this path. I never really intended to "be" a bookkeeper; I merely wanted to work as a bookkeeper to enable myself some flexibility in the creative pursuits that are truly my calling.

Today I am staying home. I am extending my two day weekend to a full four days. Yesterday I feel like I wasted much of the day. I didn't set goals to accomplish, thus I didn't get much done. Today I want to be different. In fact, I need to shift my paradigm on a day-by-day basis. I need to make some headway toward achieving the things that I want to do.

Why is it so hard? Why do I feel like I don't know what that is?

I am still in the same place that I was in middle/high school/undergrad (which I never completed.) I am interested and capable in a number of disciplines. However, I am not inspired enough to commit to any of them...and that's what it takes to move forward - commitment to one thing.

As I just wrote all that, it's clear to me what I want to do and what I need to do. I am working to be a paid, professional photographer. I would like to be given assignments that see me travel to other places to take photos of people, wilderness and monuments that are vastly different from what is here in the San Francisco Bay Area.

I'm going to work on that today...that and my f'ing taxes. BAH!

2006-12-04T23:16:00.000-08:00

I haven't been taking photos. I miss photography. I've been pondering why I haven't picked up my camera (that I carry with me in my purse almost everywhere) in weeks. I didn't even take photos of Thanksgiving when we introduced Dustin's parents and my mom. I'm not taking walks like I used to in San Francisco. When I do, the light is rarely right (as it often was before). I don't have much time alone to explore the world and notice nuance as I did when I was single. I have been dealing with a lot of emotional issues since I reconciled with my father. I am a bit intimidated by D's technical knowledge. It impeded my artistic flow that used to be my guiding force to a great end result; I'm in my head. I work more (a lot more).

I miss taking photos. I miss my personal expression via that medium. I miss my recent memories being displayed so beautifully in the physical realm.

2006-11-27T21:03:00.000-08:00

If you don't work in a tower then you don't know how culture develops up there. Dwelling in the tower requires adaptation. Imagine hovering suspended fifteen to fifty floors above lobby level; it feels like boarding a starship.

Today, as the corpies returned to duty you could see the leave hadn't left our eyes. We nearly walked by without seeing each other. Our pupils were focused but our brains were discordant. We hadn't surrendered to the rigidity of the work week. In our minds and our hearts, we were still free.

2006-11-20T23:17:00.000-08:00

EBAY has EVERYTHING

EGYPTIAN KING TUT COFFIN (Made in Egypt)

Replica For Sale: King Tut's Second Coffin

Starting bid:

US $6,000.00

End time:

Nov-22-06 19:55:44 PST (1 day 20 hours)

Item location:

Springfield, IL, United States
(how do I fix the spacing?)

History:

0 bids

2006-11-20T20:55:00.000-08:00

THANKSGIVING

I am preparing for the big eating blitz that is this Thursday for those celebrating the U.S. holiday of Thanksgiving. My menu is representative of a lot of people's fare; people have been making slight variations on the same meal for two hundred years. wikipedia:thanksgiving . I have spent HOURS pouring over cookbooks (Joy of Cooking, Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone by Deborah Madison, Moosewood Low Fat by Mollie Katzen (Rebecca - I realized that I did try one of the Moosewood - at your engagement party), Food & Wine Best of the Best, How to Cook Everything, New York Times, Field of Greens) and online \ epicurious , sfgate , what's cooking america (check out the turduken photo - geez!), allrecipes and of course, Cook's Illustrated/America's Test Kitchen .

How is that we all spend so much time and energy preparing this one meal and we are all just replicating the same thing? It's kind of mind boggling. Nuances of preparation are the key. Perhaps this is what makes us human...echoing our individuality in the sweet potatoe pie or the variation on the stuffing/dressing on the same day that everyone else in the country is eating the same thing. Does that strike anyone else as odd?

This year my boyfriend, D & I are going to host. Thursday is not only a national holiday, it is also the day that we introduce our parents. I guess there's no guesswork left to why I've been so intent on having an excellent Thanksgiving feast. It's an auspicious occasion. My turkey will be delicious and moist, damn it!

It will. I'm actually not nervous (as some women would be) at all. I have hosted Thanksgiving before. I have actually made this turkey and gravy recipe before...and the stuffing...and mashed potatoes... The only snafu could come from bad timing. Here's the link I found to help with that: Cook's Illustrated: Game Plan.

It seems that Cook's Illustrated has little faith in its readership. We are following a recipe for cornmeal stuffing from the December 2000 issue of Cook's Illustrated. After a dissertation on the subtleties of corn bread stuffing it leads you to MAKE THE CORNBREAD. What's up with the website lowering the bar to " Up to 3 days before serving: Cut bread (for the stuffing) into cubes and leave out to stale." I feel like they think that we're cheating. Isn't the whole point that we are supposed to learn from their mistakes and follow their recipes because they are THE BEST? Whatever. Actually, I'm not following their corn bread recipe. It has sausage in it (I prefer a vegetarian stuffing), it has whipping cream in it (I've made stuffing before - it doesn't need whipping cream. Like we aren't getting enough fat in the rest of the meal? What's their point?) and two eggs. Now, I've seen a couple of recipes that use the eggs...but my mom didn't and D's mom didn't and I didn't when I made kick-ass stuffing before so I'm not feeling experimental.

Before I found that last link I actually had already planned to do the cornbread today b/c I knew it should be stale. So we went shopping today and the buttermilk cornbread is probably about ready to be eaten.

I'm going to go get some...

2006-10-30T22:58:00.000-08:00

All Hallows Eve - NOW

This is my first post and I am stymied by what to say to a nameless readership that may or may not know me.
This pumpkin is symbolic to me. It was carved by guests of Bridget and Talha's Turkish Feast to celebrate the end of Ramadan. Perhaps celebrate isn't the right word. In case you are unfamiliar with this Muslim holiday, it is a month long fast that begins each day with the rising of the sun and ends each day when the sun has set. This fast includes everything you could bring into your body as nourishment, including water. I can only imagine how it would feel to finally end that level of self disciplined denial. I respect the Muslim's for their self discipline.

So, this pumpkin reminds me of the friends that I ate with that night. We have been in each other's company over the course of years. I had drifted away. Now I feel like I'm coming home.

Halloween - THEN

I grew up living with religious parents. They weren't at all conventional people, but they believe in God and taught me to fear him. At my mom's house we were taught that Halloween is a pagan holiday. Good Christians, like us, didn't celebrate it.

Each Halloween I spent at Mom's house meant one thing: another trip 'round the neighborhood wearing the angel costume I wore in the Christmas pageant in 1st grade. As you can imagine, within a couple of years I looked ridiculous...not an angel, but a poor sad Christian child struggling to enjoy what everyone else seemed to take for granted - Halloween candy.

In later years Halloween was my favorite holiday. I love pumpkins - probably stemming from their prohibited status while I was growing up. I love to eat them as pies and cookies and scones and ice cream. I love to roast pumpkin seeds. I love to see the aspiring jack-o-lanterns on display in the grocery stores. I love the creativity that people put into them. Pumpkins are food that we are encouraged to play with. They are divine.

- and pagan -

ha ha

maybe i am too.